3 Things Parents Should Never Do When Communicating with Teenagers

Three Things Parents Should Never Do When Communicating with Teenagers

Part 1: Never Seek Agreement

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

When communicating, the #1 rule is that you are 100 percent responsible for gaining understanding, not for being understood. There is a difference. It is not incumbent upon your child to decipher your words and meaning.

This is the same reason and logic that a marriage is not a 50/50 agreement. Human nature will take over and soon each partner will expect the other to initiate the 50 percent as a condition of cooperation.

This is seeking agreement.  Agreement seekers base their frame of reference on a position of divine perfection where the divine and the perfection are embodied in their being. That may not be exactly the mindset of the parent, but it is the message being conveyed.

As a parent we often see the end before the beginning and more often than not, the vision is a rerun of our past. We don’t want our teenager to experience our past so we project our wisdom and guidance upon them.

The ability and willingness of a teenager to understand his parent’s point of view is equal to the skill level of the parent to deliver the message. Both lack the knowledge and skill necessary.

When our teenager embarks on a path of self-destruction, we, as parents, scramble all available emotions, clichés, and folklore that our own parents used on us and regurgitate it in direct contrast to self-promises made when we were teens. We hated it then, how do think our children like it now?

As a parent have you ever said or thought: “If only my kid would listen to me?” Me too! Am I seeking agreement or understanding?

Agreement seekers live in the Curse of Knowledge and use the curse as a leveraging tool and a position of superiority. They are not concerned with what is right, only who is right.

Imagine going through life with blinders on, only seeing what you want to see, sort of like a self-imposed filter, removing anything that runs contrary to your point of view so as to maintain a sense of being right.

Agreement seekers come in all shapes and sizes. Bosses, managers, fathers, mothers, big brother, big sister, teachers, administrators, and playground bullies. Each in her unique way suffers from a lack of confidence and needs others to agree with her to support a crumbling foundation.

In my day it was called the ‘Generation Gap.’ The only difference between the gap yesterday and the gap today is clothing styles and cell phones. Given enough time bell-bottoms will be in style again. Bad communication skills never go out of style. It’s sad that we as parents choose the path of least resistance rather than least traveled.

Learning to effectively communicate with your teenage will change your life, your marriage, and your grandchildren. Just ask yourself what it’s going to be like having grandchildren who practice your communication skills and habits?