There are 550 million working days lost each year because of absenteeism. Experts claim that stress is responsible for half of those days. Stress attacks the immune system, elevates your blood pressure, and directly affects health costs.

Of all the maladies and symptoms going on in the work place, employers and managers give stress the shortest shrift. Stressed employees avoid coming to work, they avoid confrontation, they cannot resolve conflict and as a result progress is halted. They become contentious.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention asserts that a full 80 percent of our medical expenditures are now stress-related.

There are three ingredients responsible for work-related stress. 1) The type of stress. 2) A proper balance between occupational stimulation and boredom.  3) The condition of the employee’s home life.

Noticeably absent is a source for solutions that addresses the root cause and doesn’t shuffle around symptoms. We live in a society that has taught us learned helplessness coupled with a veneer of pride that prevents us from admitting we could use some help.

The first two stress inducers are better addressed by employers, however, the one thing an employer is not likely to address is the home.

Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington conducted a study that consisted of exposing expectant couples to marital interventions whether their marriages were in trouble or not.

They found that babies raised in intervention households didn’t look anything like the babies raised in a comparable control group. Their nervous systems didn’t develop the same way, they didn’t cry as much, and they were more stable to external stressors.

Dr. Gottman could predict the success or failure of a marriage within 3 minutes of interacting with the couple with 90 percent accuracy. His ability to determine the outcome of a marriage stemmed from how each spouse communicated with the other.

Our education system from K – 12, our university system, and our technical schools across the nation spend all of their effort teaching their students how to earn an income. Quietly absent from life’s lessons are effective communication especially between loved ones.

Very few of us were raised on a farm working alongside mom and dad 7 days a week. Very few people can look back to their youth and name significant mentors who shaped their character, taught them correct principals, and held them accountable for becoming a better person.

When a child is raised in an environment (intervention group) of effective communicators, the child learns at an early age to resolve conflict before a contentious spirit is introduced. Contention takes on the appearance of drugs, alcohol, tattoos, sexual promiscuity, bad grades, low self-esteem and the list goes on.

It isn’t what we know about effective parental communication that is the problem; it’s what we know that isn’t so. Sadly, most parents possess the illusion of knowledge because they can go to bed at night without a fight. This is the greatest obstacle to a child’s success.

Part 2: Never Justify your Actions or Words

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. 2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

One definition for justify is to fill a space evenly or form a straight edge. To align with a true line.

Have you ever been late to a meeting? Remember the thoughts going through your mind as you exceeded the speed the limit in an attempt to make up for poor planning? Every slow vehicle is registered as a cause for tardiness.

The car pile up on the north bound side of the freeway that has traffic backed up for a mile is another causal factor as you travel southbound to your meeting. Upon arriving at your meeting, the committee is already working through the agenda. You enter the meeting and give a full report justifying your rudeness.

Slow traffic, rough night, crying children, and yes the bad accident on the freeway was cited as you attempt to align yourself with the straight edge. You are justifying your behavior in an attempt to have others perceive your actions in line.

For what’s its worth, you’re better off just walking in as unobtrusive as possible without interrupting and sit down.

How did justifying being late make things better? On those occasions I’ve been late and tried this strategy, I felt even more out of alignment. On the other hand, when others have interrupted a meeting in process with their excuses it disrupts everyone and takes a lot of effort and time to get back on track.

When a parent justifies bad behavior, the parent is attempting to place responsibility for weakness on someone or something else. The child will usually accept the feeble attempt at apologizing but a degree of trust and respect will be lost. If repeated too often, complete trust and respect will disappear.

How much success will you as a parent have if your children don’t trust and respect you? Remember, under the worst of circumstances people love their mom or dad and the same is true for parents of wayward. BUT there is no requirement for trust and respect.

As a parent or spouse, how fond are you of receiving a plate full of justification every time the garbage isn’t take out or the bed isn’t made? How will justifying help your high school student get into the university of her choice by mastering excuses for poor performance?

Just like seeking agreement, justifying is ineffective communication. It doesn’t make things better and if avoided completely it will greatly improve any relationship upon practice.

For one complete day, avoid justifying any behavior or action. Just suck it up, admit your mistake and move on, committing yourself to improvement. Developing trust in parenting is the solution.

Join us for our free Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club. To sign up for the class, call use at (253) 851-0350

Have you ever wondered why your children struggle in school? Or better yet, how is it they do well for a season and then fall apart? Studies have shown that stress is a huge factor in school grades.

Consider the three ingredients driving stress and how they are found in your home.

1. Emotional intensity
2. A strong dislike or aversion
3. Lack of control

When was the last time you and your spouse had an argument? Did the children witness your argument?

The following story is from Dr. John Medina and his new book “Brain Rules.” The teacher in this story is Dr. Medina’s mother. This is how he witnessed the tragedy of Kelly.

Kelly was an A student and her teacher’s pride and joy. She always did her homework, she was smart, socially poised, and blessed with an abundance of friends. But things changed after Christmas break.

The teacher noticed the change the moment Kelly walked into the classroom. Kelly’s eyes were downward. Within a week Kelly received her first ever C on an exam and that was her highpoint. She spiraled down from there with a litany of Ds and Fs and many visits to the Principal’s office for fights and unruly behavior.

“Exasperated, my mother decided to find out what caused this meltdown. She learned that Kelly’s parents had decided to get a divorce over Christmas and that the family conflicts, from which the parents valiantly had insulated Kelly, had begun spilling out into the open.

As things unraveled at home, things also unraveled at school. And on that snowy day, when my mother gave Kelly her third straight D in spelling, my mother also swore:

“DAMMIT!” she said, nearly under her breath. I froze as she shouted, “THE ABILITY OF KELLY TO DO WELL IN MY CLASS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CLASS!”

She was, of course, describing the relationship between home life and school life, a link that has frustrated teachers for a long time.

One of the greatest predictors of performance in school turns out to be the emotional stability of the home.”

Parents, you play the primary role in your children’s happiness and well being. Stress indicator #1 Children are not equipped to handle emotional. Stress indicator #2 Children have a strong aversion to contentious behavior? Stress indicator #3 Children that feel they have no control over the home environment?

Unstuck Parenting is for parents and couples who desire to become better communicator and parents. Most parents are stuck in old habits and traditions that don’t work.

This is a 6-week course covering practical knowledge and skills that will directly effect how you communicate as a parent and a spouse. The course is taught at The Hope Center Boys and Girls Club off of Skansie.

During my High School years, whenever we had a substitute it was another way of turning the dogs loose. We tore the teacher to pieces. That is unless the substitute carried boundaries into the classroom. Pity the poor teacher that started class trying to be nice and friendly. That’s like dangling a bleeding lamb over a starving den of lions.

Parents of toddlers find themselves torn between wanting to surrender to the cuteness of their offspring and knowing that the word “brat” is another name for a child raised with no discipline. Not only do brats create stress in others – they themselves are unhappy.

Both cases are examples of seeking agreement. The teacher wants to be liked and viewed as a nice person. She doesn’t want to offend anyone and hopes we can all just have a good time.

Parents who are afraid to set boundaries around their children are guilty of abdicating their positions as parents and leave the discipline to everyone their brat disturbs. Many a time have I witnessed parents more focused on being interesting (talking about themselves) in social gatherings, then in being interested (tending their children). The result is that their respective brats run amok at other’s people’s expense.

Years ago when my oldest son, Charles was in pre-school, one of the boys in the class struggled with discipline. I had just arrived home one evening when the boy’s mother came to pick him up. The mother became engaged in a conversation with Cheri, my wife, so the boy continued to play, except his behavior became increasingly worse and was threatening the safety of my house.

He was throwing around a ball, bouncing it and kicking it off the walls in our living room, dining room, and kitchen. All of this while his mother stood talking with my wife. After two nice warnings not to kick the ball in our house, the third time I took the ball from the boy and escorted him to his mother.

To my amazement, the mother chewed me out for 5 minutes and left in a huff. Cheri impressed upon me to repent of my behavior, so I purchased some flowers and apologized to her for disciplining her son in my home.

I suppose there was room for improvement as I raised my voice exclaiming his name while watching the ball bounce off a painting on our wall. After picking up the ball I motioned him to his mother with the desire to discipline the old fashioned way. I restrained.

I wasn’t guilty of seeking agreement. However, I didn’t search for any understanding in my anger. I couldn’t understand why the mother saw such behavior as acceptable. I waited a full week to take the flowers. That was a tough apology.

Children who never receive guidance or boundaries grow up weak and unable to deal with the difficulties of life. They usually blame everyone but themselves for failure and have no capacity for teamwork.

To even hint to this mother that she had a problem just about got my head cut off, but what is the cost to her son?

Sunday afternoon while Cheri was cooking dinner, I joined her in the kitchen for a discussion. We had some difficult decisions to make and needed to work through some misunderstandings we had at the office a few days earlier.

The discussion was quite involved and both of us were searching for a solution. I was pacing back and forth setting the table, filling the glasses with water and ice, just trying to keep moving as the intensity level of our discussion steadily rose.

Many times during the discussion we reminded ourselves to address the root cause and avoid discussing the symptoms (Assembly Line A vs. Assembly Line B). During one of my turns to talk, I felt a light tap on my left elbow. I stopped talking and noticed my youngest son, Samuel, quietly standing next to me with a very somber look on his cherubic face.

He motioned with his finger for me to bend down so he could communicate with me at eye level. He took my hand, focused his soft blue eyes directly into mine and whispered: “Would you two stop arguing.” He gave me a hug and a kiss, then turned and walked away.

The wind flew right out of my sails. Whatever great point of discussion I had vanished into thin air. I apologized for raising my voice, repented of my habit again, recommitting myself to maintaining neutrality with my bride when discussing sensitive topics.

Samuel’s parents were inserting stress into his world. For most children stress is like a volume knob on an emotional radio, the louder parents yell, the more severe their perceived stress.

You can feel your body respond to stress: your pulse races, blood pressure rises and you feel a surge of energy. This is your adrenaline at work. The overall effect is a fight or flight response.

Would that we all could take a lesson from Samuel’s calm and controlled response, “Would you two stop arguing.”

On the one hand, I felt a need for improvement and greater control when discussing tough subjects with Cheri. On the other hand, I felt gratitude to a son who felt comfortable enough to request a behavioral change by his parents, and fully expecting compliance.

How often do we as parents introduce stress into the lives of our children without realizing it? Just thinking about how often I’ve raised my voice at the expense of my children fills me with remorse at not mastering my mouth and actions earlier in life.

I am a by-product of my environment and as a young boy I didn’t have verbal boundaries or a father to teach me correct principles to guide me. It’s never too late to learn the skills of effective communication. Tremendous happiness awaits you.

The greatest obstacle to growth is the illusion of knowledge and the pretense of a skill. It doesn’t have to be that way!

Sometimes we, as a society, use judging terms meant to offend, displace or remove responsibility. It usually occurs out of guilt or shame for doing something we know we shouldn’t.

Have you ever heard a child complain to his/her mother and by saying: “Hey mom, stop freakin’ out” when they get caught doing something outside the appropriate behavioral boundaries of the home?

Here is a suggestion on how to handle such offspring.

When children use terms that judge: “Mom stop freakin’ out!” First, have them clarify what the word freakin‘ means.

If they don’t know or can’t articulate it, clarify it for them:

Freakin’:

1)    A parental state closely associated with love,

2)    The act of holding children responsible for growing up,

3)    A parental act that forbids children from remaining a teenager after age 19.

4)    The parental antithesis of apathy

Years ago during a merit badge discussion, Scott, then 12 yrs. old, got caught with his mouth exceeding of the speed limit and his brain still waiting at the stop sign.

During the heat of battle, Scott said: “I hate you dad!” He had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. No malice was intended and no malice was received, but words have meaning so here is the discussion that followed.

D:            Scott, what does ‘I hate you’ mean?

S:            (turning a few shades of red) I don’t really hate you dad.

D:            I believe you son. How should your friends interpret the phrase?

S:            Silence….

D:            For the benefit of those in the room, here is what “I hate you” means in our home when Scott says it to his father:

Hate:

1. Thank you dad from the bottom of my heart for helping me to improve.
2. Thank you for not raising me to be a teenager but to be an adult and holding me accountable for being the best person I can be.
3. I love you for all you do and sacrifice in my behalf.
4. Please don’t change.
5. I know I have a lot to learn and I am appreciative of all that you teach me.
6. I look forward to the next opportunity for you to help me grow.

D:            How accurate was the explanation Scott?

S:            Yep, that’s what it means.

The Scouts found this very amusing. The following week I finished the merit badge class when Scott slipped again. Without looking up I asked the definition of the phrase: “I hate you dad.”

As a body, the scouts started listing off from the list and even added a few more. All of us got a good laugh and we moved on.

Who’s in control of your conversations?

Remember that the person asking the questions is always in control.

Part 1: Never Seek Agreement

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

When communicating, the #1 rule is that you are 100 percent responsible for gaining understanding, not for being understood. There is a difference. It is not incumbent upon your child to decipher your words and meaning.

This is the same reason and logic that a marriage is not a 50/50 agreement. Human nature will take over and soon each partner will expect the other to initiate the 50 percent as a condition of cooperation.

This is seeking agreement.  Agreement seekers base their frame of reference on a position of divine perfection where the divine and the perfection are embodied in their being. That may not be exactly the mindset of the parent, but it is the message being conveyed.

As a parent we often see the end before the beginning and more often than not, the vision is a rerun of our past. We don’t want our teenager to experience our past so we project our wisdom and guidance upon them.

The ability and willingness of a teenager to understand his parent’s point of view is equal to the skill level of the parent to deliver the message. Both lack the knowledge and skill necessary.

When our teenager embarks on a path of self-destruction, we, as parents, scramble all available emotions, clichés, and folklore that our own parents used on us and regurgitate it in direct contrast to self-promises made when we were teens. We hated it then, how do think our children like it now?

As a parent have you ever said or thought: “If only my kid would listen to me?” Me too! Am I seeking agreement or understanding?

Agreement seekers live in the Curse of Knowledge and use the curse as a leveraging tool and a position of superiority. They are not concerned with what is right, only who is right.

Imagine going through life with blinders on, only seeing what you want to see, sort of like a self-imposed filter, removing anything that runs contrary to your point of view so as to maintain a sense of being right.

Agreement seekers come in all shapes and sizes. Bosses, managers, fathers, mothers, big brother, big sister, teachers, administrators, and playground bullies. Each in her unique way suffers from a lack of confidence and needs others to agree with her to support a crumbling foundation.

In my day it was called the ‘Generation Gap.’ The only difference between the gap yesterday and the gap today is clothing styles and cell phones. Given enough time bell-bottoms will be in style again. Bad communication skills never go out of style. It’s sad that we as parents choose the path of least resistance rather than least traveled.

Learning to effectively communicate with your teenage will change your life, your marriage, and your grandchildren. Just ask yourself what it’s going to be like having grandchildren who practice your communication skills and habits?

Our sense of hearing is a remarkable system. There is so much noise going on around each of us that it is impossible to listen to everything. We hear it all, but listening is different.

Listening means you are present for that moment in time. Energy in the form of thinking exists which is an activity practiced less and less. Thinking is a requisite to problem solving.

Many people make decisions based upon who speaks the loudest or who speaks closest to what they want (regardless of truth). I learned of a woman who sought counsel in her marriage. She visited her minister, her friend’s minister, a neighboring minister, a marriage counselor, and a number of friends before she ultimately found someone that agreed with her point of view.

What did all of them but the last have in common? Each of them counseled her that her source of happiness was found in the mirror. The last source gave her permission to blame her husband. She listened to what she wanted to hear.

During the first week of swine flu vaccines in New York, more than half the parents kept their kids out of the program. Interviewed parents said things like, “I’m not sure it’s safe,” and “I wanted to see if it affected other kids…”

No mention of any studies or long-term side effects. No science at all, just rumors and hunches and gut instincts. The gut-instinct approach served people well for hundreds of thousands of years, but it’s becoming more and more clear that it doesn’t work in a complex world.

Audiophiles spend thousands of dollars rewiring the electrical lines in their house with .99999% pure copper, ignoring the fact that the power from the street is in the same old cables. Adding decimal points to our irrationality doesn’t change much.

The problem with being an amateur financial planner is precisely the reason that marketers relish the opportunity to sell to us: we make stupid decisions, easily manipulated by those who are incentized to use numbers to transfer funds from our pockets to their bank accounts.

It’s not that people are irrational by nature, it’s that too much credence is given to expert advice based upon historical numbers that do not tell the entire story.

Consider breast cancer screening. It appears to give information, really good information, but in practice, it doesn’t. Since the information is historic and scientific, we give it too much credence.

When it comes to finances, we listen to the marketing noise that’s exciting, sexy, and irrational. Success in finances is a sequential process. 1. Master your spending. 2. Master your saving. 3. And the most important of all, Master your ability to communicate about money.

People who listen to this council can avoid the mistakes and pitfalls associated with following the crowds of risk. Going with the flow is just a euphemism for failure.

Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Well, who won?

There are three ways to see the great Incan city of Machu Picchu.

1)   You can take a train, a bus, and a one-mile hike.

2)   You can take a bus and then a 6 mile hike.

3)   You can hike as did the ancients, 4 days with elevations as high as 14,000 feet and steps as high as 2 feet that can last for miles.

People who choose the 4-day hike always have a greater appreciation for the city. The beauty is deeper, the history is richer, and the experience is geometrically more rewarding, albeit difficult. People who don’t avoid conflict always write a personal story of trials, tribulation, preparation, and hardship that ends with a well-deserved and much appreciated reward.

When something bad happens to you, you have two choices: you can either get bitter or get better.

Most of our lives are spent avoiding conflict. Half of all commercials are spent trying to sell comfort or some sort of product that makes life easier.

There is no conflict man can endure that will not produce a blessing.

Sometimes we wallow so deep in our misery that we never want to get well because then nobody will come around to rescue us anymore. Getting well means you have to control your happiness and its easier to control your misery.

When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can love them for who they are.

When you stop expecting material possessions to complete you, you can get greater pleasure from them.

When you stop expecting God to solve all your problems, you’ll enjoy His company and Spirit more.

As a result of the stress, the two of you don’t talk much any more. Sure, you might yell a little, throw a few blame jabs, coupled with some justification jargon, but as for communicating, that happened in the good ol’ days.

You’re stuck trying to solve a problem you have no idea how to solve. You’re stuck because the solutions you receive from friends and family typically come from folks in the same situation as you. Following their advice only blesses you with problems that look a lot like theirs and you are content with your own.

Most people don’t solve problems they shuffle symptoms. I heard about a couple that had difficulty maintaining decorum while addressing finances with each other. They decided to conduct future financial discussions in a restaurant. The public pressure safeguarded emotional explosions that typified such events.

How is using public pressure solving the problem? It’s a band-aid covering the inability for either spouse to effectively communicate about money.

Our current way of talking about money, children, or intimacy have been ingrained in us for decades. Waking up tomorrow with the desire to discontinue arguing with children and spouse is great but unlikely to happen.

Reading books from ’so-called’ experts gives you added knowledge, but how does one translate the knowledge from the book, into your head, and into practice? This is another place where we get stuck, especially if one spouse is doing the reading and the other has his/her head in the sand.

When you practice what you’ve learned, you develop skills. The frustration in most families has nothing to do with bad people, parent or child, but rather, it has to do with a lack of skills.

Parenting was designed to be fun as well as challenging. It’s not the job of a parent to be a friend, it’s your job to be a parent and there are skills you can develop quickly that make your job easier and more rewarding.

Wouldn’t you enjoy intimate time with your teenager? How would it be if your teenager wanted to spend his/her time with you because they trusted you and respected your feedback?

The majority of kids who rebel do so because the parental system at home is broken, not because they were born with a propensity to push your buttons.