The Four Horseman

John Gottman, PhD.  from the University of Washington has done amazing work and research on marriage over the past few decades and has identified four key problems that lead to divorce. He calls them the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

The four problems are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Dr. Gottman explains that contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce. He can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will divorce after watching them for only 15 minutes.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a metaphor depicting the end of the world. They are described as conquest, war, hunger, and death.

It’s My Money

My wife and I attended a recent Bridal show at the Tacoma Dome to discuss our system for helping newlyweds improve the odds that their marriage will last. Some folks were very interested; others were kind but were not.

The most interesting were the very opinionated brides to be when asked, “Do you have a Spending Plan?” Their almost agitated responses proved insightful:

“I have my money and he has his. He’ll never know how much. As long as he buys his socks and underwear, we’re fine.”

Secret Tips and Tricks to a Happy Marriage

Why are those words so alluring?

The most successful couples seldom read articles with those words in the title.  Such articles are for couples who are either struggling or do not comprehend that a successful marriage cannot be obtained with a few tricks.

There are no secret tips.  There are no magic tricks.  A happy marriage starts with love and ends with intimacy. The catalyst to making it work is the ability to develop trust. It’s the accumulation of good habits overriding the bad habits you developed before marriage.

Lust is not Love

Some of life’s greatest lessons are counter intuitive. Growing up I always believed the ultimate in an interpersonal relationship was love. Now those exact words didn’t exist, but the thought process was the same.

Some men select a bride because she has pretty eyes, some because she has pretty hair. A man once married his bride because she could sing. On the morning after their marriage, when he saw her without any paint or powder on, and saw a part of her hair on the dresser, he looked at her and said,” Sing, for hell sakes, sing!”

Our Greatest Challenge

It is has been said that you will marry or raise your greatest challenge!

Yesterday I invited my granddaughter’s parents over to our house. Abigail, my granddaughter, is the cutest little piece of energy in existence. Just look at her!

Her dad sent me this response.

I told Heather about the discussion, and this was her reply

Let’s refer to “Abigail” as… The Monster.

The Monster only slept for an hour today.

The Monster is very grumpy.

You married Perfection

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a perfect man married a perfect woman?

I’ll wager that he would shoot her inside of a week if she didn’t strangle him first.

The story is told of a husband, who after three months of marriage, sat down to dinner with his wife and said: “I think it’s time we discussed some needed areas of improvement in our marriage. I’ll like to share a list of things you can improve on and then you can share your ideas with me.”

Puppy Dogs and Men

During a conversation with my wife the other day, Cheri commented that men are just like puppy dogs. Since I’m not fully comfortable being compared to the four-legged animal kingdom, I asked for clarification. She smiled and explained: “Dogs are pleasers. They want their masters to be happy.”

She’s right. I am a pleaser. I don’t like it when my wife is angry with me. I want to make her happy and I don’t like the doghouse. I prefer my wife’s bed, just like my dog.

Flying Under the Radar

In the year 2009, it is currently vogue to be wired 24/7. It’s harmful, but it is cool. Without the ability to fly under the radar screen for a period of time to recharge your batteries, you are living on the edge of stress and your body and mind are red lining.

I think being cool is just the opposite. Take an evening this week and fly under the radar screen. Drive your friends and relatives bonkers and turn off all electronic contact power from 5PM to morning. Achieve some balance by finding some ‘me’ time without electronics. Meditate, singularly focus your mind on something or on nothing and regenerate your batteries.

Noisy Isolation

We live in a world of noisy isolation. Our contact with electronic gadgets exceeds our contact with humans. We’re busier, faster, brighter, and full of more information than at any time in the history of mankind. But do we talk to each other?

The microchip explosion has changed our ability to become intimate with our loved ones. We text them quick statements that are Egyptian characters in nature: mostly consonants or acronyms. LOL (laugh out loud), BTW (by the way), TTYL (talk to you later), and OMGTKOFGG (oh my gosh the kitchen’s on fire, gotta go).

Don’t Say “I Do” until you Read These

1. “How To Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie

This is a timeless piece of literature. Mr. Carnegie weaves stories, anecdotes, and wisdom from the ages on how to get along with people, business associates, clients, and family. This book introduces you to the importance of asking questions before rendering judgment.

2. “The Anatomy of Peace” by The Arbinger Institute

Jim Ferrell and his staff have written an incredible book on developing relationships. Arbinger has developed a language of their own and it’s sweeping the nation. Learn what it means to get ‘Out of the box’ and how to stay there. Every husband, wife, mother, father, and in-law needs to have the tools found in this book.