The four problems are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Dr. Gottman explains that contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce. He can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will divorce after watching them for only 15 minutes.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a metaphor depicting the end of the world. They are described as conquest, war, hunger, and death.

Many believe that conflict leads to divorce, but conflict itself is not the problem. It is how we handle it. Conflict is a problem, however, when accompanied by the presence of what Dr. Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:”

1. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you.

Following the Board of Director’s agenda and the Responsibility Pyramid when communicating eliminates criticism from the equation.
2. Contempt is the step that has the greatest predictability factor. It is worse than criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”

When a relationship starts with love and the proper love language is used, contempt is minimized.  Seeing the vision of intimacy as the end result can alter the level of contempt or eliminate it.

3. Defensiveness. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship.  When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.

Using a BOD meeting in an environment where it’s not who is right but what is right will remove the need to be defensive. There is no hierarchy in a BOD meeting. The Responsibility Pyramid is part of the rules of engagement and if there is no blaming or justifying, there is no need to be defensive.

4. Stonewalling. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. This is the man cave or the chick hut. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. Stonewalling is an abrupt stop to progress. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

We have been conditioned to enter our man caves or chick huts from an early age. Getting out of a man cave requires willingness, knowledge, and skill. Reading a book isn’t the same as developing the skill.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high probability of failing.

In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.

We go to college for many years so we can become wealthy. How much time and effort do we expend into becoming happy?

The most interesting were the very opinionated brides to be when asked, “Do you have a Spending Plan?” Their almost agitated responses proved insightful:

“I have my money and he has his. He’ll never know how much. As long as he buys his socks and underwear, we’re fine.”

The first time I heard the comment the shock factor caught me off guard. The scary aspect of my Bridal show experience was that I heard similar responses all day long.

Experts at the University of Washington can now predict with 98% accuracy the probability of a marriage lasting. They cite 4 criteria in determining if the couple will stay married. They are affectionately called the 4 Horseman:

1. Defensiveness
2. Stonewalling
3. Criticism
4. Contempt

Of the four, contempt is the most important indicator. They have determined that predicting divorce is a function of patterns. If one partner speaks with contempt, it is an indicator of potential problems.

“It’s my money and that’s they way it is,” is speaking with contempt.

The purpose of getting married is to become one. In over 20 years in the financial business, it’s rare for a couple with separate accounts to become one.

Two strikes before they even say, “I do!”

I’d wish you good luck, but you’re going to need a lot more than that.

The most successful couples seldom read articles with those words in the title.  Such articles are for couples who are either struggling or do not comprehend that a successful marriage cannot be obtained with a few tricks.

There are no secret tips.  There are no magic tricks.  A happy marriage starts with love and ends with intimacy. The catalyst to making it work is the ability to develop trust. It’s the accumulation of good habits overriding the bad habits you developed before marriage.

You can’t read a book and think that your frustrations with your marriage will disappear. Without skill development your willingness and knowledge will be subject to trial and error. Skill development usually comes in the form of coaching and being held accountable.

Trial and error works but are you willing to pay the price when available systems can eliminate the cost and heartache associated with the self-help approach?

Most couples, when interviewed, want wealth and happiness and they spend years of time and thousands of dollars getting an education so they can become wealthy. But, how much time, energy, and money is spent to become happy?

One out of two marriages end in divorce. That means if you and your friend are getting married this year, one of you won’t make it longer than five years. In other words, the odds are 50% that you won’t be happy and that will have a huge impact upon your wealth.

We think there is a solution.

Some men select a bride because she has pretty eyes, some because she has pretty hair. A man once married his bride because she could sing. On the morning after their marriage, when he saw her without any paint or powder on, and saw a part of her hair on the dresser, he looked at her and said,” Sing, for hell sakes, sing!”

Eric Fromm, renowned social psychologist explained that sexual desire is in the minds of most people and is associated with love. As such, they are easily mislead into confusing love with physical desire.

In a previous blog (Abigail the Monster) I explained that love is not the end goal, it is the beginning of the process. If love isn’t the starting point, your ending point will most assuredly be anything but happiness and joy.

Couples often fall in lust thinking they are falling in love. Being physically attracted to each other is very important, but sexual combustibility is a short fuse and a spark.

The 5-year itch is a direct result of falling in lust. Falling in love requires action of a different nature than sexual prowess. Lust is temporary satisfaction, love can be eternal.

Love requires effort and patience and can be the epitome of passion. Lust is passion run amok. It is the elimination of boundaries and leads to broken hearts, broken marriages and pain.

Yesterday I invited my granddaughter’s parents over to our house. Abigail, my granddaughter, is the cutest little piece of energy in existence. Just look at her!

Her dad sent me this response.

I told Heather about the discussion, and this was her reply

Let’s refer to “Abigail” as… The Monster.

The Monster only slept for an hour today.

The Monster is very grumpy.

I am making the Monster stay in her crib for at least 20 minutes in hopes that she will cry her sleepy monster self to sleep.

My guess would be, the monster won’t be up for a late night.

And neither will her innocent prey. (aka… me)

It is through our challenges that we grow. A mother’s love is strong because of what she gives up. It is given because the mother is good, not because of anything the child has done.

The mother serves and sacrifices for her offspring and brings about a level of love to be emulated.

In a marriage relationship, your starting point is love.

The story is told of a young couple that received the following advice from their minister after the marriage ceremony,

“You are at the end of your problems.”

Some months later, the husband, seeing the minister, approached him and told him about all the problems they have been having, ending his frustrated diatribe with “you said we were at the end of our problems.”

To which the sage gentleman replied: “Yes I did, but I didn’t indicate which end.”

I’ll wager that he would shoot her inside of a week if she didn’t strangle him first.

The story is told of a husband, who after three months of marriage, sat down to dinner with his wife and said: “I think it’s time we discussed some needed areas of improvement in our marriage. I’ll like to share a list of things you can improve on and then you can share your ideas with me.”

The wife sat down and gathered her thoughts. As her husband started to read his list, she held up her hand and said:

“Before you continue, I want you to know that I don’t have a list of things you need to work on, I’m very pleased with the person I married. The next thing you should know is that the weaknesses your about to illustrate are the very things that prevented me from marrying someone better than you. Okay, now I’m ready.”

She’s right. I am a pleaser. I don’t like it when my wife is angry with me. I want to make her happy and I don’t like the doghouse. I prefer my wife’s bed, just like my dog.

When we (husband and wife) take the time to talk about important items, we discover we both want the same things. What doesn’t make sense is how often a husband or a wife will act in such a way that elicits the exact opposite reaction needed to accomplish the goal.

This is called collusion. The art of doing the exact opposite of what I want.

We have found the best way to avoid collusion is by having a BOD meeting. The next time you find yourself in collusion with your spouse or child or anyone,

STOP, DROP, and ROLL.

Stop what you are doing. (Discontinue the fight, the discussion, the dialogue.)

Drop your argument completely. (No excuses, no explanations, no blaming.)

Roll the discussion into a BOD meeting to protect yourself from making matters worse. (Put the topic on your agenda and handle it in such a way that gives you the highest probability of working out a win/win scenario.)

In the year 2009, it is currently vogue to be wired 24/7. It’s harmful, but it is cool. Without the ability to fly under the radar screen for a period of time to recharge your batteries, you are living on the edge of stress and your body and mind are red lining.

I think being cool is just the opposite. Take an evening this week and fly under the radar screen. Drive your friends and relatives bonkers and turn off all electronic contact power from 5PM to morning. Achieve some balance by finding some ‘me’ time without electronics. Meditate, singularly focus your mind on something or on nothing and regenerate your batteries.

Think of yourself as a rechargeable battery. Stop the world for a short time and get off. The hustle and bustle of life will still be there when you get back.

Here’s a thought: take the time and spend it with a loved one. Just talk. Talk about life, before and after the present. If you are married, get to know your spouse better. If you’re a mom or dad, listen to your child.

Present tense relationships are not developed multi-tasking. You must be there, both body and mind.

The most effective way to enjoy this time is by improving your communication skills. Here are two articles on the Power and the Art of Questioning.

We live in a world of noisy isolation. Our contact with electronic gadgets exceeds our contact with humans. We’re busier, faster, brighter, and full of more information than at any time in the history of mankind. But do we talk to each other?

The microchip explosion has changed our ability to become intimate with our loved ones. We text them quick statements that are Egyptian characters in nature: mostly consonants or acronyms. LOL (laugh out loud), BTW (by the way), TTYL (talk to you later), and OMGTKOFGG (oh my gosh the kitchen’s on fire, gotta go).

The Instant Messaging phenomenon is replacing the heart to heart intimacy critical in a relationship. If you want a better relationship, turn off your electronics and learn more about the one you love. Create a bubble, kind of like a force field, around yourself to prevent the world from getting in and spend some time with your family and loved ones.

We found the best way to do this is with a BOD meeting.

1. “How To Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie

This is a timeless piece of literature. Mr. Carnegie weaves stories, anecdotes, and wisdom from the ages on how to get along with people, business associates, clients, and family. This book introduces you to the importance of asking questions before rendering judgment.

2. “The Anatomy of Peace” by The Arbinger Institute

Jim Ferrell and his staff have written an incredible book on developing relationships. Arbinger has developed a language of their own and it’s sweeping the nation. Learn what it means to get ‘Out of the box’ and how to stay there. Every husband, wife, mother, father, and in-law needs to have the tools found in this book.

3. “The Talking Millionaire: A Guide to Eliminating 91.7% of Financial Frustrations” by Richard Himmer (This is currently in e-book format only and complimentary to Bridesclub.com members for a limited time.)

This book is a compilation of 26 years of experience and research on what causes arguments within a marriage and a family. More to the point, you will learn how to effectively communicate with your spouse, your children, and your co-workers using tools that seem unfair when you understand and practice them.

These 3 books can and will change your life forever. Learning to effectively communicate doesn’t come through your DNA at birth. It is a studied, learned, and practiced tool that returns wealth and happiness every time.

Give yourself the highest probability of success by investing in your future.