The four problems are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Dr. Gottman explains that contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce. He can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will divorce after watching them for only 15 minutes.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a metaphor depicting the end of the world. They are described as conquest, war, hunger, and death.

Many believe that conflict leads to divorce, but conflict itself is not the problem. It is how we handle it. Conflict is a problem, however, when accompanied by the presence of what Dr. Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:”

1. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you.

Following the Board of Director’s agenda and the Responsibility Pyramid when communicating eliminates criticism from the equation.
2. Contempt is the step that has the greatest predictability factor. It is worse than criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”

When a relationship starts with love and the proper love language is used, contempt is minimized.  Seeing the vision of intimacy as the end result can alter the level of contempt or eliminate it.

3. Defensiveness. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship.  When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.

Using a BOD meeting in an environment where it’s not who is right but what is right will remove the need to be defensive. There is no hierarchy in a BOD meeting. The Responsibility Pyramid is part of the rules of engagement and if there is no blaming or justifying, there is no need to be defensive.

4. Stonewalling. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. This is the man cave or the chick hut. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. Stonewalling is an abrupt stop to progress. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

We have been conditioned to enter our man caves or chick huts from an early age. Getting out of a man cave requires willingness, knowledge, and skill. Reading a book isn’t the same as developing the skill.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high probability of failing.

In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.

We go to college for many years so we can become wealthy. How much time and effort do we expend into becoming happy?

The most successful couples seldom read articles with those words in the title.  Such articles are for couples who are either struggling or do not comprehend that a successful marriage cannot be obtained with a few tricks.

There are no secret tips.  There are no magic tricks.  A happy marriage starts with love and ends with intimacy. The catalyst to making it work is the ability to develop trust. It’s the accumulation of good habits overriding the bad habits you developed before marriage.

You can’t read a book and think that your frustrations with your marriage will disappear. Without skill development your willingness and knowledge will be subject to trial and error. Skill development usually comes in the form of coaching and being held accountable.

Trial and error works but are you willing to pay the price when available systems can eliminate the cost and heartache associated with the self-help approach?

Most couples, when interviewed, want wealth and happiness and they spend years of time and thousands of dollars getting an education so they can become wealthy. But, how much time, energy, and money is spent to become happy?

One out of two marriages end in divorce. That means if you and your friend are getting married this year, one of you won’t make it longer than five years. In other words, the odds are 50% that you won’t be happy and that will have a huge impact upon your wealth.

We think there is a solution.