There are 550 million working days lost each year because of absenteeism. Experts claim that stress is responsible for half of those days. Stress attacks the immune system, elevates your blood pressure, and directly affects health costs.

Of all the maladies and symptoms going on in the work place, employers and managers give stress the shortest shrift. Stressed employees avoid coming to work, they avoid confrontation, they cannot resolve conflict and as a result progress is halted. They become contentious.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention asserts that a full 80 percent of our medical expenditures are now stress-related.

There are three ingredients responsible for work-related stress. 1) The type of stress. 2) A proper balance between occupational stimulation and boredom.  3) The condition of the employee’s home life.

Noticeably absent is a source for solutions that addresses the root cause and doesn’t shuffle around symptoms. We live in a society that has taught us learned helplessness coupled with a veneer of pride that prevents us from admitting we could use some help.

The first two stress inducers are better addressed by employers, however, the one thing an employer is not likely to address is the home.

Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington conducted a study that consisted of exposing expectant couples to marital interventions whether their marriages were in trouble or not.

They found that babies raised in intervention households didn’t look anything like the babies raised in a comparable control group. Their nervous systems didn’t develop the same way, they didn’t cry as much, and they were more stable to external stressors.

Dr. Gottman could predict the success or failure of a marriage within 3 minutes of interacting with the couple with 90 percent accuracy. His ability to determine the outcome of a marriage stemmed from how each spouse communicated with the other.

Our education system from K – 12, our university system, and our technical schools across the nation spend all of their effort teaching their students how to earn an income. Quietly absent from life’s lessons are effective communication especially between loved ones.

Very few of us were raised on a farm working alongside mom and dad 7 days a week. Very few people can look back to their youth and name significant mentors who shaped their character, taught them correct principals, and held them accountable for becoming a better person.

When a child is raised in an environment (intervention group) of effective communicators, the child learns at an early age to resolve conflict before a contentious spirit is introduced. Contention takes on the appearance of drugs, alcohol, tattoos, sexual promiscuity, bad grades, low self-esteem and the list goes on.

It isn’t what we know about effective parental communication that is the problem; it’s what we know that isn’t so. Sadly, most parents possess the illusion of knowledge because they can go to bed at night without a fight. This is the greatest obstacle to a child’s success.

Part 3 Never Blame

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame

Blaming can often been seen as a hierarchal struggle for survival in a family, from the oldest sibling down to the youngest child. In our family the dog is in play and some years ago, blaming escalated to such a level that Cheri and I discovered a resident ghost named Ralph causing all sorts of mischief in our home.

That was two houses ago and Ralph has been kind enough to stay a member of our family as he continues to leave doors open, lights on, water running, he never flushes the toilet, he is a bad aim when going #1, and he never replaces the toilet paper.

Do you have a Ralph in your home?

The same is true in a business environment. It’s often termed throwing someone under the bus, “The Fall Guy.’” Politicians are fond of throwing an expendable employee, staff member, or volunteer under the bus to avoid embarrassment or responsibility.

Blaming is the system of finding an excuse, (e.g. lack of funds) for a dysfunctional program. It’s using a common cause that stands for something good as a leveraging tool to gain funding for an ulterior motive. Blaming is like living in a world of symptoms as a way of avoiding the root cause.

Blaming is an art form to many who practice responsibility deflection. It is so subtle that to the person it is often not seen as blaming but as a logical explanation of events that ended with results far under expectations.

The refs lost the game for us on that final call, completely overlooking the poor play of the team in the last quarter that allowed the opposition to take the lead.

Let’s say your teenager asks and receives permission to venture to a party of school friends. She caught you in a busy moment and you consented to her attendance. Around midnight, about when you expect her to come driving in, you receive a phone call from the police that she’s been arrested for underage drinking.

Infuriated, you drive to the police station, chew out the cops and then read the riot act to your daughter on the way home. So far you’ve blamed everybody involved but yourself.

Did you ask your daughter where she was going? Who she was going with? What the party was about? Who else would be there? Would there be alcohol or drugs there? Do you have an understanding with your daughter on these topics? Do you trust your daughter? Does she trust you? Would she tell you the truth on any of these subjects?

It only takes one mistake, oversight, or lie and you forfeit the right to blame. You don’t have it to begin with. It doesn’t make the situation better and it excuses your part in the mess.

If your teenager won’t come clean with her answers, you are dealing with a symptom. The root cause is you. You are not trusted. You’ve spent too long in the blame game.

Developing trust in parenting is the solution. Join us for our Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club.  They are a free service to the community.

To sign up for the class, call us at (253) 851-0350

Part 2: Never Justify your Actions or Words

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. 2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

One definition for justify is to fill a space evenly or form a straight edge. To align with a true line.

Have you ever been late to a meeting? Remember the thoughts going through your mind as you exceeded the speed the limit in an attempt to make up for poor planning? Every slow vehicle is registered as a cause for tardiness.

The car pile up on the north bound side of the freeway that has traffic backed up for a mile is another causal factor as you travel southbound to your meeting. Upon arriving at your meeting, the committee is already working through the agenda. You enter the meeting and give a full report justifying your rudeness.

Slow traffic, rough night, crying children, and yes the bad accident on the freeway was cited as you attempt to align yourself with the straight edge. You are justifying your behavior in an attempt to have others perceive your actions in line.

For what’s its worth, you’re better off just walking in as unobtrusive as possible without interrupting and sit down.

How did justifying being late make things better? On those occasions I’ve been late and tried this strategy, I felt even more out of alignment. On the other hand, when others have interrupted a meeting in process with their excuses it disrupts everyone and takes a lot of effort and time to get back on track.

When a parent justifies bad behavior, the parent is attempting to place responsibility for weakness on someone or something else. The child will usually accept the feeble attempt at apologizing but a degree of trust and respect will be lost. If repeated too often, complete trust and respect will disappear.

How much success will you as a parent have if your children don’t trust and respect you? Remember, under the worst of circumstances people love their mom or dad and the same is true for parents of wayward. BUT there is no requirement for trust and respect.

As a parent or spouse, how fond are you of receiving a plate full of justification every time the garbage isn’t take out or the bed isn’t made? How will justifying help your high school student get into the university of her choice by mastering excuses for poor performance?

Just like seeking agreement, justifying is ineffective communication. It doesn’t make things better and if avoided completely it will greatly improve any relationship upon practice.

For one complete day, avoid justifying any behavior or action. Just suck it up, admit your mistake and move on, committing yourself to improvement. Developing trust in parenting is the solution.

Join us for our free Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club. To sign up for the class, call use at (253) 851-0350

Have you ever wondered why your children struggle in school? Or better yet, how is it they do well for a season and then fall apart? Studies have shown that stress is a huge factor in school grades.

Consider the three ingredients driving stress and how they are found in your home.

1. Emotional intensity
2. A strong dislike or aversion
3. Lack of control

When was the last time you and your spouse had an argument? Did the children witness your argument?

The following story is from Dr. John Medina and his new book “Brain Rules.” The teacher in this story is Dr. Medina’s mother. This is how he witnessed the tragedy of Kelly.

Kelly was an A student and her teacher’s pride and joy. She always did her homework, she was smart, socially poised, and blessed with an abundance of friends. But things changed after Christmas break.

The teacher noticed the change the moment Kelly walked into the classroom. Kelly’s eyes were downward. Within a week Kelly received her first ever C on an exam and that was her highpoint. She spiraled down from there with a litany of Ds and Fs and many visits to the Principal’s office for fights and unruly behavior.

“Exasperated, my mother decided to find out what caused this meltdown. She learned that Kelly’s parents had decided to get a divorce over Christmas and that the family conflicts, from which the parents valiantly had insulated Kelly, had begun spilling out into the open.

As things unraveled at home, things also unraveled at school. And on that snowy day, when my mother gave Kelly her third straight D in spelling, my mother also swore:

“DAMMIT!” she said, nearly under her breath. I froze as she shouted, “THE ABILITY OF KELLY TO DO WELL IN MY CLASS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CLASS!”

She was, of course, describing the relationship between home life and school life, a link that has frustrated teachers for a long time.

One of the greatest predictors of performance in school turns out to be the emotional stability of the home.”

Parents, you play the primary role in your children’s happiness and well being. Stress indicator #1 Children are not equipped to handle emotional. Stress indicator #2 Children have a strong aversion to contentious behavior? Stress indicator #3 Children that feel they have no control over the home environment?

Unstuck Parenting is for parents and couples who desire to become better communicator and parents. Most parents are stuck in old habits and traditions that don’t work.

This is a 6-week course covering practical knowledge and skills that will directly effect how you communicate as a parent and a spouse. The course is taught at The Hope Center Boys and Girls Club off of Skansie.

During my High School years, whenever we had a substitute it was another way of turning the dogs loose. We tore the teacher to pieces. That is unless the substitute carried boundaries into the classroom. Pity the poor teacher that started class trying to be nice and friendly. That’s like dangling a bleeding lamb over a starving den of lions.

Parents of toddlers find themselves torn between wanting to surrender to the cuteness of their offspring and knowing that the word “brat” is another name for a child raised with no discipline. Not only do brats create stress in others – they themselves are unhappy.

Both cases are examples of seeking agreement. The teacher wants to be liked and viewed as a nice person. She doesn’t want to offend anyone and hopes we can all just have a good time.

Parents who are afraid to set boundaries around their children are guilty of abdicating their positions as parents and leave the discipline to everyone their brat disturbs. Many a time have I witnessed parents more focused on being interesting (talking about themselves) in social gatherings, then in being interested (tending their children). The result is that their respective brats run amok at other’s people’s expense.

Years ago when my oldest son, Charles was in pre-school, one of the boys in the class struggled with discipline. I had just arrived home one evening when the boy’s mother came to pick him up. The mother became engaged in a conversation with Cheri, my wife, so the boy continued to play, except his behavior became increasingly worse and was threatening the safety of my house.

He was throwing around a ball, bouncing it and kicking it off the walls in our living room, dining room, and kitchen. All of this while his mother stood talking with my wife. After two nice warnings not to kick the ball in our house, the third time I took the ball from the boy and escorted him to his mother.

To my amazement, the mother chewed me out for 5 minutes and left in a huff. Cheri impressed upon me to repent of my behavior, so I purchased some flowers and apologized to her for disciplining her son in my home.

I suppose there was room for improvement as I raised my voice exclaiming his name while watching the ball bounce off a painting on our wall. After picking up the ball I motioned him to his mother with the desire to discipline the old fashioned way. I restrained.

I wasn’t guilty of seeking agreement. However, I didn’t search for any understanding in my anger. I couldn’t understand why the mother saw such behavior as acceptable. I waited a full week to take the flowers. That was a tough apology.

Children who never receive guidance or boundaries grow up weak and unable to deal with the difficulties of life. They usually blame everyone but themselves for failure and have no capacity for teamwork.

To even hint to this mother that she had a problem just about got my head cut off, but what is the cost to her son?

Sunday afternoon while Cheri was cooking dinner, I joined her in the kitchen for a discussion. We had some difficult decisions to make and needed to work through some misunderstandings we had at the office a few days earlier.

The discussion was quite involved and both of us were searching for a solution. I was pacing back and forth setting the table, filling the glasses with water and ice, just trying to keep moving as the intensity level of our discussion steadily rose.

Many times during the discussion we reminded ourselves to address the root cause and avoid discussing the symptoms (Assembly Line A vs. Assembly Line B). During one of my turns to talk, I felt a light tap on my left elbow. I stopped talking and noticed my youngest son, Samuel, quietly standing next to me with a very somber look on his cherubic face.

He motioned with his finger for me to bend down so he could communicate with me at eye level. He took my hand, focused his soft blue eyes directly into mine and whispered: “Would you two stop arguing.” He gave me a hug and a kiss, then turned and walked away.

The wind flew right out of my sails. Whatever great point of discussion I had vanished into thin air. I apologized for raising my voice, repented of my habit again, recommitting myself to maintaining neutrality with my bride when discussing sensitive topics.

Samuel’s parents were inserting stress into his world. For most children stress is like a volume knob on an emotional radio, the louder parents yell, the more severe their perceived stress.

You can feel your body respond to stress: your pulse races, blood pressure rises and you feel a surge of energy. This is your adrenaline at work. The overall effect is a fight or flight response.

Would that we all could take a lesson from Samuel’s calm and controlled response, “Would you two stop arguing.”

On the one hand, I felt a need for improvement and greater control when discussing tough subjects with Cheri. On the other hand, I felt gratitude to a son who felt comfortable enough to request a behavioral change by his parents, and fully expecting compliance.

How often do we as parents introduce stress into the lives of our children without realizing it? Just thinking about how often I’ve raised my voice at the expense of my children fills me with remorse at not mastering my mouth and actions earlier in life.

I am a by-product of my environment and as a young boy I didn’t have verbal boundaries or a father to teach me correct principles to guide me. It’s never too late to learn the skills of effective communication. Tremendous happiness awaits you.

The greatest obstacle to growth is the illusion of knowledge and the pretense of a skill. It doesn’t have to be that way!

Sometimes we, as a society, use judging terms meant to offend, displace or remove responsibility. It usually occurs out of guilt or shame for doing something we know we shouldn’t.

Have you ever heard a child complain to his/her mother and by saying: “Hey mom, stop freakin’ out” when they get caught doing something outside the appropriate behavioral boundaries of the home?

Here is a suggestion on how to handle such offspring.

When children use terms that judge: “Mom stop freakin’ out!” First, have them clarify what the word freakin‘ means.

If they don’t know or can’t articulate it, clarify it for them:

Freakin’:

1)    A parental state closely associated with love,

2)    The act of holding children responsible for growing up,

3)    A parental act that forbids children from remaining a teenager after age 19.

4)    The parental antithesis of apathy

Years ago during a merit badge discussion, Scott, then 12 yrs. old, got caught with his mouth exceeding of the speed limit and his brain still waiting at the stop sign.

During the heat of battle, Scott said: “I hate you dad!” He had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. No malice was intended and no malice was received, but words have meaning so here is the discussion that followed.

D:            Scott, what does ‘I hate you’ mean?

S:            (turning a few shades of red) I don’t really hate you dad.

D:            I believe you son. How should your friends interpret the phrase?

S:            Silence….

D:            For the benefit of those in the room, here is what “I hate you” means in our home when Scott says it to his father:

Hate:

1. Thank you dad from the bottom of my heart for helping me to improve.
2. Thank you for not raising me to be a teenager but to be an adult and holding me accountable for being the best person I can be.
3. I love you for all you do and sacrifice in my behalf.
4. Please don’t change.
5. I know I have a lot to learn and I am appreciative of all that you teach me.
6. I look forward to the next opportunity for you to help me grow.

D:            How accurate was the explanation Scott?

S:            Yep, that’s what it means.

The Scouts found this very amusing. The following week I finished the merit badge class when Scott slipped again. Without looking up I asked the definition of the phrase: “I hate you dad.”

As a body, the scouts started listing off from the list and even added a few more. All of us got a good laugh and we moved on.

Who’s in control of your conversations?

Remember that the person asking the questions is always in control.

Part 1: Never Seek Agreement

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

When communicating, the #1 rule is that you are 100 percent responsible for gaining understanding, not for being understood. There is a difference. It is not incumbent upon your child to decipher your words and meaning.

This is the same reason and logic that a marriage is not a 50/50 agreement. Human nature will take over and soon each partner will expect the other to initiate the 50 percent as a condition of cooperation.

This is seeking agreement.  Agreement seekers base their frame of reference on a position of divine perfection where the divine and the perfection are embodied in their being. That may not be exactly the mindset of the parent, but it is the message being conveyed.

As a parent we often see the end before the beginning and more often than not, the vision is a rerun of our past. We don’t want our teenager to experience our past so we project our wisdom and guidance upon them.

The ability and willingness of a teenager to understand his parent’s point of view is equal to the skill level of the parent to deliver the message. Both lack the knowledge and skill necessary.

When our teenager embarks on a path of self-destruction, we, as parents, scramble all available emotions, clichés, and folklore that our own parents used on us and regurgitate it in direct contrast to self-promises made when we were teens. We hated it then, how do think our children like it now?

As a parent have you ever said or thought: “If only my kid would listen to me?” Me too! Am I seeking agreement or understanding?

Agreement seekers live in the Curse of Knowledge and use the curse as a leveraging tool and a position of superiority. They are not concerned with what is right, only who is right.

Imagine going through life with blinders on, only seeing what you want to see, sort of like a self-imposed filter, removing anything that runs contrary to your point of view so as to maintain a sense of being right.

Agreement seekers come in all shapes and sizes. Bosses, managers, fathers, mothers, big brother, big sister, teachers, administrators, and playground bullies. Each in her unique way suffers from a lack of confidence and needs others to agree with her to support a crumbling foundation.

In my day it was called the ‘Generation Gap.’ The only difference between the gap yesterday and the gap today is clothing styles and cell phones. Given enough time bell-bottoms will be in style again. Bad communication skills never go out of style. It’s sad that we as parents choose the path of least resistance rather than least traveled.

Learning to effectively communicate with your teenage will change your life, your marriage, and your grandchildren. Just ask yourself what it’s going to be like having grandchildren who practice your communication skills and habits?

Have you ever been to England? It’s a pleasure listening to a British or an Aussie accent. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to spend in week in the British Isles. It was interesting to notice who spoke with an accent.

What is your accent? Is there somebody at your work or in your circle of influence that is always the center of bad news? Do you hesitate ever asking them how they’re doing for fear they will tell you. They are always suffering from some …itis and the law of attraction consolidates an aura of negativity upon their space.

They have an accent. There are a lot of people going through tough economic times right now. Sometimes our accent differs depending upon our mood or station in life.

It can be difficult to hide your true accent when rough times come knocking at your door. Let’s say you are being interviewed for a new position and you are asked to explain a little about your last job. If you are still sore about your former boss, there is a good likelihood it will come out. It’s in your accent.

Let’s take a short quiz. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of politicians? I’m sure you had an assortment of adjectives flow through your gray matter. Whatever came to your mind is their accent.

Last night I had dinner with my brother in law, who is an attorney (that’s another accent.) We were discussing a particular homicide in Vancouver BC. Not being familiar with the story, he indicated that he was reticent to offer an opinion because the only source of intel was the paper and the evening news. He explained that neither source was reliable or knowledgeable in such areas.

Today’s news media carry an accent.

What is your accent when communicating with your loved ones? Is it pleasant? Do your children look forward to hearing your accent?  Recently, I spoke with a client who is having a difficult time talking to his father because the accent is so caustic.

Your accent has the ability to leverage a great amount of good. The opposite is also true.

I’m not very good at imitating accents from various nations, although my Yogi Bear imitation has promise. May I suggest an experiment? The primary purpose for communicating is to gain an understanding. Most folks approach communication to secure agreement.

Try for one full day to communicate and never once express an opinion unless directly asked. Search to understand the other person’s point of view. Parents, this is a powerful accent with your children. They may not recognize you, but if you want a relationship with them, it’s a good starting point.

This type of accent is the door to developing trust with whomever you choose to practice. It has the power to change your life.

It’s Saturday evening and I’ve got a date with my wife. It’s time to get ready and what happens next remains a mystery to most men. The artful expression of a female brush painting her face is only exceeded by the millions of color and stylish variations she orchestrates with her clothing.

Not to belittle the importance of accessorizing, but when she completes the process of adorning her mortal temple, the inevitable and greatly feared question flows from her lips like silk from a spindle: “How do I look?”

Ladies! Are you aware that one out of five men are technically colorblind and the majority of the remaining four couldn’t match colors and styles if the only way we could watch the World Series depended on it?

Therefore, I find it most interesting that women, after years of empirical evidence to the contrary, continue to baffle all reason and logic by asking such an important question to an unqualified entity who usually looks at you with eyes that rarely see clothing.

The idea of asking the ‘unqualified’ for help seems to be part of our national pastime. How have politicians made things better? How about financial planners or economists? How has throwing more money at anything the government touches produced better results?

In his acceptance speech as the first Nobel Prize winning economist, F.A. Hayek said:

“Economist are at this moment called upon to say to how extricate the free world from the serious threat of accelerating inflation, which, it must be admitted, has been brought about”…by economists. “As a profession we have made a mess of things.”

Ironic isn’t it. The very people who promulgated the mortgage meltdown, the huge national debt, and failed social programs by the hundreds are re-elected every year to solve the problems that they created.

Political job security is the art of screwing up the country so badly that you’re the only one who can articulate what happened. So you get re-elected and mess it up some more.

The author Joshua Cooper Ramo in his recently released book “The Age of the Unthinkable” said, “And if you insert ‘foreign policy experts’ or ‘financial gurus’ for ‘economists’ in Hayek’s remarks, well, you have a sad, disturbing summary of the state of our world at the moment.”

During talks with the Chinese premier Zhou Enlai, Henry Kissinger (Harvard Business Professor and National Security Advisor) commented that the university models of political theory are largely useless in reality.

Confidence in financial experts, economists, and politicians has proven empirically to be misplaced. So where do we turn for help?

Keep in mind I’m not playing the role of a troll. A troll is a critic that doesn’t create or solve. A couch potato who lives in an echo chamber, ignored by everyone except fellow critics.

I’m not qualified to mess up in the field of economics, politics, or financial planning, but I do have an opinion on how to improve your home life and your relationship with money.

Therefore, I offer my view of the financial solution to everyday Americans. To my knowledge, none of these areas are being taught or promoted by our experts.

1. Master your spending
2. Master your savings
3. Master your communication skills

Short, simple, and sweet. Empirically proven to work every time with no risk to your principle (moral and/or financial.)