There are 550 million working days lost each year because of absenteeism. Experts claim that stress is responsible for half of those days. Stress attacks the immune system, elevates your blood pressure, and directly affects health costs.

Of all the maladies and symptoms going on in the work place, employers and managers give stress the shortest shrift. Stressed employees avoid coming to work, they avoid confrontation, they cannot resolve conflict and as a result progress is halted. They become contentious.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention asserts that a full 80 percent of our medical expenditures are now stress-related.

There are three ingredients responsible for work-related stress. 1) The type of stress. 2) A proper balance between occupational stimulation and boredom.  3) The condition of the employee’s home life.

Noticeably absent is a source for solutions that addresses the root cause and doesn’t shuffle around symptoms. We live in a society that has taught us learned helplessness coupled with a veneer of pride that prevents us from admitting we could use some help.

The first two stress inducers are better addressed by employers, however, the one thing an employer is not likely to address is the home.

Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington conducted a study that consisted of exposing expectant couples to marital interventions whether their marriages were in trouble or not.

They found that babies raised in intervention households didn’t look anything like the babies raised in a comparable control group. Their nervous systems didn’t develop the same way, they didn’t cry as much, and they were more stable to external stressors.

Dr. Gottman could predict the success or failure of a marriage within 3 minutes of interacting with the couple with 90 percent accuracy. His ability to determine the outcome of a marriage stemmed from how each spouse communicated with the other.

Our education system from K – 12, our university system, and our technical schools across the nation spend all of their effort teaching their students how to earn an income. Quietly absent from life’s lessons are effective communication especially between loved ones.

Very few of us were raised on a farm working alongside mom and dad 7 days a week. Very few people can look back to their youth and name significant mentors who shaped their character, taught them correct principals, and held them accountable for becoming a better person.

When a child is raised in an environment (intervention group) of effective communicators, the child learns at an early age to resolve conflict before a contentious spirit is introduced. Contention takes on the appearance of drugs, alcohol, tattoos, sexual promiscuity, bad grades, low self-esteem and the list goes on.

It isn’t what we know about effective parental communication that is the problem; it’s what we know that isn’t so. Sadly, most parents possess the illusion of knowledge because they can go to bed at night without a fight. This is the greatest obstacle to a child’s success.

Part 2: Never Justify your Actions or Words

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. 2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

One definition for justify is to fill a space evenly or form a straight edge. To align with a true line.

Have you ever been late to a meeting? Remember the thoughts going through your mind as you exceeded the speed the limit in an attempt to make up for poor planning? Every slow vehicle is registered as a cause for tardiness.

The car pile up on the north bound side of the freeway that has traffic backed up for a mile is another causal factor as you travel southbound to your meeting. Upon arriving at your meeting, the committee is already working through the agenda. You enter the meeting and give a full report justifying your rudeness.

Slow traffic, rough night, crying children, and yes the bad accident on the freeway was cited as you attempt to align yourself with the straight edge. You are justifying your behavior in an attempt to have others perceive your actions in line.

For what’s its worth, you’re better off just walking in as unobtrusive as possible without interrupting and sit down.

How did justifying being late make things better? On those occasions I’ve been late and tried this strategy, I felt even more out of alignment. On the other hand, when others have interrupted a meeting in process with their excuses it disrupts everyone and takes a lot of effort and time to get back on track.

When a parent justifies bad behavior, the parent is attempting to place responsibility for weakness on someone or something else. The child will usually accept the feeble attempt at apologizing but a degree of trust and respect will be lost. If repeated too often, complete trust and respect will disappear.

How much success will you as a parent have if your children don’t trust and respect you? Remember, under the worst of circumstances people love their mom or dad and the same is true for parents of wayward. BUT there is no requirement for trust and respect.

As a parent or spouse, how fond are you of receiving a plate full of justification every time the garbage isn’t take out or the bed isn’t made? How will justifying help your high school student get into the university of her choice by mastering excuses for poor performance?

Just like seeking agreement, justifying is ineffective communication. It doesn’t make things better and if avoided completely it will greatly improve any relationship upon practice.

For one complete day, avoid justifying any behavior or action. Just suck it up, admit your mistake and move on, committing yourself to improvement. Developing trust in parenting is the solution.

Join us for our free Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club. To sign up for the class, call use at (253) 851-0350

Have you ever wondered why your children struggle in school? Or better yet, how is it they do well for a season and then fall apart? Studies have shown that stress is a huge factor in school grades.

Consider the three ingredients driving stress and how they are found in your home.

1. Emotional intensity
2. A strong dislike or aversion
3. Lack of control

When was the last time you and your spouse had an argument? Did the children witness your argument?

The following story is from Dr. John Medina and his new book “Brain Rules.” The teacher in this story is Dr. Medina’s mother. This is how he witnessed the tragedy of Kelly.

Kelly was an A student and her teacher’s pride and joy. She always did her homework, she was smart, socially poised, and blessed with an abundance of friends. But things changed after Christmas break.

The teacher noticed the change the moment Kelly walked into the classroom. Kelly’s eyes were downward. Within a week Kelly received her first ever C on an exam and that was her highpoint. She spiraled down from there with a litany of Ds and Fs and many visits to the Principal’s office for fights and unruly behavior.

“Exasperated, my mother decided to find out what caused this meltdown. She learned that Kelly’s parents had decided to get a divorce over Christmas and that the family conflicts, from which the parents valiantly had insulated Kelly, had begun spilling out into the open.

As things unraveled at home, things also unraveled at school. And on that snowy day, when my mother gave Kelly her third straight D in spelling, my mother also swore:

“DAMMIT!” she said, nearly under her breath. I froze as she shouted, “THE ABILITY OF KELLY TO DO WELL IN MY CLASS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CLASS!”

She was, of course, describing the relationship between home life and school life, a link that has frustrated teachers for a long time.

One of the greatest predictors of performance in school turns out to be the emotional stability of the home.”

Parents, you play the primary role in your children’s happiness and well being. Stress indicator #1 Children are not equipped to handle emotional. Stress indicator #2 Children have a strong aversion to contentious behavior? Stress indicator #3 Children that feel they have no control over the home environment?

Unstuck Parenting is for parents and couples who desire to become better communicator and parents. Most parents are stuck in old habits and traditions that don’t work.

This is a 6-week course covering practical knowledge and skills that will directly effect how you communicate as a parent and a spouse. The course is taught at The Hope Center Boys and Girls Club off of Skansie.

The four problems are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Dr. Gottman explains that contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce. He can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will divorce after watching them for only 15 minutes.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a metaphor depicting the end of the world. They are described as conquest, war, hunger, and death.

Many believe that conflict leads to divorce, but conflict itself is not the problem. It is how we handle it. Conflict is a problem, however, when accompanied by the presence of what Dr. Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:”

1. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you.

Following the Board of Director’s agenda and the Responsibility Pyramid when communicating eliminates criticism from the equation.
2. Contempt is the step that has the greatest predictability factor. It is worse than criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”

When a relationship starts with love and the proper love language is used, contempt is minimized.  Seeing the vision of intimacy as the end result can alter the level of contempt or eliminate it.

3. Defensiveness. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship.  When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.

Using a BOD meeting in an environment where it’s not who is right but what is right will remove the need to be defensive. There is no hierarchy in a BOD meeting. The Responsibility Pyramid is part of the rules of engagement and if there is no blaming or justifying, there is no need to be defensive.

4. Stonewalling. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. This is the man cave or the chick hut. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. Stonewalling is an abrupt stop to progress. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

We have been conditioned to enter our man caves or chick huts from an early age. Getting out of a man cave requires willingness, knowledge, and skill. Reading a book isn’t the same as developing the skill.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high probability of failing.

In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.

We go to college for many years so we can become wealthy. How much time and effort do we expend into becoming happy?

The most interesting were the very opinionated brides to be when asked, “Do you have a Spending Plan?” Their almost agitated responses proved insightful:

“I have my money and he has his. He’ll never know how much. As long as he buys his socks and underwear, we’re fine.”

The first time I heard the comment the shock factor caught me off guard. The scary aspect of my Bridal show experience was that I heard similar responses all day long.

Experts at the University of Washington can now predict with 98% accuracy the probability of a marriage lasting. They cite 4 criteria in determining if the couple will stay married. They are affectionately called the 4 Horseman:

1. Defensiveness
2. Stonewalling
3. Criticism
4. Contempt

Of the four, contempt is the most important indicator. They have determined that predicting divorce is a function of patterns. If one partner speaks with contempt, it is an indicator of potential problems.

“It’s my money and that’s they way it is,” is speaking with contempt.

The purpose of getting married is to become one. In over 20 years in the financial business, it’s rare for a couple with separate accounts to become one.

Two strikes before they even say, “I do!”

I’d wish you good luck, but you’re going to need a lot more than that.

Some men select a bride because she has pretty eyes, some because she has pretty hair. A man once married his bride because she could sing. On the morning after their marriage, when he saw her without any paint or powder on, and saw a part of her hair on the dresser, he looked at her and said,” Sing, for hell sakes, sing!”

Eric Fromm, renowned social psychologist explained that sexual desire is in the minds of most people and is associated with love. As such, they are easily mislead into confusing love with physical desire.

In a previous blog (Abigail the Monster) I explained that love is not the end goal, it is the beginning of the process. If love isn’t the starting point, your ending point will most assuredly be anything but happiness and joy.

Couples often fall in lust thinking they are falling in love. Being physically attracted to each other is very important, but sexual combustibility is a short fuse and a spark.

The 5-year itch is a direct result of falling in lust. Falling in love requires action of a different nature than sexual prowess. Lust is temporary satisfaction, love can be eternal.

Love requires effort and patience and can be the epitome of passion. Lust is passion run amok. It is the elimination of boundaries and leads to broken hearts, broken marriages and pain.

I have some good news and some bad news.

First the good news: if approached correctly, married life will be the most glorious, blessed, and rewarding time spent with another person. Words are inept at trying to explain the love, the trust, and the respect that are developed in a successful marriage. Happy marriages deepen and get better with time.

Now the bad news: if not approached correctly, you have a 50 percent chance of getting a divorce. That doesn’t count marriages that don’t end in divorce but are not happy.

So now what? Consider this question:

What would the average person say is the number 1 cause of marital contention?

Here are the two most common answers:

· Money

· Infidelity

What would you think if you knew that neither money nor sex is the primary cause for contention within a marriage? In fact, they are only symptoms of the root cause.

The number 1 cause of marital contention is the inability to effectively communicate.

Effective communication is not taught in public or private schools and rarely discussed in our homes. In other words, the tools to a successful marriage are not taught at home or at school.

Getting married is the single greatest ‘Tipping Point’ in your life. Answer the following questions:

· How are you preparing to merge your way of thinking with your spouse’s way of thinking?

· What is your ‘Spending Plan?’

· How will you handle your first fight?

· Do you know what it’s like in a man cave?

· Have you ever seen a chick hut?

Before you spend tens of thousands of dollars on a singular event that gives you a 50% chance of success, consider investing some time, effort, and money into your future by developing communication tools that give you a very high probability of success for wealth and happiness.