Our sense of hearing is a remarkable system. There is so much noise going on around each of us that it is impossible to listen to everything. We hear it all, but listening is different.

Listening means you are present for that moment in time. Energy in the form of thinking exists which is an activity practiced less and less. Thinking is a requisite to problem solving.

Many people make decisions based upon who speaks the loudest or who speaks closest to what they want (regardless of truth). I learned of a woman who sought counsel in her marriage. She visited her minister, her friend’s minister, a neighboring minister, a marriage counselor, and a number of friends before she ultimately found someone that agreed with her point of view.

What did all of them but the last have in common? Each of them counseled her that her source of happiness was found in the mirror. The last source gave her permission to blame her husband. She listened to what she wanted to hear.

During the first week of swine flu vaccines in New York, more than half the parents kept their kids out of the program. Interviewed parents said things like, “I’m not sure it’s safe,” and “I wanted to see if it affected other kids…”

No mention of any studies or long-term side effects. No science at all, just rumors and hunches and gut instincts. The gut-instinct approach served people well for hundreds of thousands of years, but it’s becoming more and more clear that it doesn’t work in a complex world.

Audiophiles spend thousands of dollars rewiring the electrical lines in their house with .99999% pure copper, ignoring the fact that the power from the street is in the same old cables. Adding decimal points to our irrationality doesn’t change much.

The problem with being an amateur financial planner is precisely the reason that marketers relish the opportunity to sell to us: we make stupid decisions, easily manipulated by those who are incentized to use numbers to transfer funds from our pockets to their bank accounts.

It’s not that people are irrational by nature, it’s that too much credence is given to expert advice based upon historical numbers that do not tell the entire story.

Consider breast cancer screening. It appears to give information, really good information, but in practice, it doesn’t. Since the information is historic and scientific, we give it too much credence.

When it comes to finances, we listen to the marketing noise that’s exciting, sexy, and irrational. Success in finances is a sequential process. 1. Master your spending. 2. Master your saving. 3. And the most important of all, Master your ability to communicate about money.

People who listen to this council can avoid the mistakes and pitfalls associated with following the crowds of risk. Going with the flow is just a euphemism for failure.

Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Well, who won?

Have you ever been to England? It’s a pleasure listening to a British or an Aussie accent. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to spend in week in the British Isles. It was interesting to notice who spoke with an accent.

What is your accent? Is there somebody at your work or in your circle of influence that is always the center of bad news? Do you hesitate ever asking them how they’re doing for fear they will tell you. They are always suffering from some …itis and the law of attraction consolidates an aura of negativity upon their space.

They have an accent. There are a lot of people going through tough economic times right now. Sometimes our accent differs depending upon our mood or station in life.

It can be difficult to hide your true accent when rough times come knocking at your door. Let’s say you are being interviewed for a new position and you are asked to explain a little about your last job. If you are still sore about your former boss, there is a good likelihood it will come out. It’s in your accent.

Let’s take a short quiz. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of politicians? I’m sure you had an assortment of adjectives flow through your gray matter. Whatever came to your mind is their accent.

Last night I had dinner with my brother in law, who is an attorney (that’s another accent.) We were discussing a particular homicide in Vancouver BC. Not being familiar with the story, he indicated that he was reticent to offer an opinion because the only source of intel was the paper and the evening news. He explained that neither source was reliable or knowledgeable in such areas.

Today’s news media carry an accent.

What is your accent when communicating with your loved ones? Is it pleasant? Do your children look forward to hearing your accent?  Recently, I spoke with a client who is having a difficult time talking to his father because the accent is so caustic.

Your accent has the ability to leverage a great amount of good. The opposite is also true.

I’m not very good at imitating accents from various nations, although my Yogi Bear imitation has promise. May I suggest an experiment? The primary purpose for communicating is to gain an understanding. Most folks approach communication to secure agreement.

Try for one full day to communicate and never once express an opinion unless directly asked. Search to understand the other person’s point of view. Parents, this is a powerful accent with your children. They may not recognize you, but if you want a relationship with them, it’s a good starting point.

This type of accent is the door to developing trust with whomever you choose to practice. It has the power to change your life.

Some years ago my wife, Cheri and I had dinner with some friends at a little Mexican restaurant in the Proctor district in Tacoma. The food was sumptuous and my chimichanga was absolutely amazing especially considering it was fat free, at least until I ate it.

It was a blustery evening outside so after dinner we snuggled up to a fireplace conversation. It was rather mundane actually, that is until Gertie expressed some strong opinions on a political subject.

What a perfect evening this was turning out to be, a dinner and a conflict. Gertie’s strong words did not harmonize with my view and I felt excited at the potential conflict brewing in the room.

Let me interrupt my narrative for a semantic identification moment. First of all the purpose of communicating is to exchange understanding. Trying to get someone to agree with you is manipulative and contentious.

Secondly, we often confuse conflict and contention so here is my take on the two words.

Conflict is friction. It is not agreeing on the methodology but having the same goal. Conflict is to be resolved and is necessary for growth, especially within a relationship. Weight lifting is conflict to your muscles. Conflict resolution is searching for understanding at the expense of personal opinion. It is what is right and not who is right.

Contention is evil and the absence of progress. It is making conflict personal. It is not topic related but carries the intent to harm with no desire to learn. Contention is searching for agreement versus exchanging understanding. Contention is who is right at the expense of what is right.

As I commenced questioning Gertie about her point of view, she became defensive. There is no doubt my questioning skills could improve, but before I could even express a difference of opinion, we quickly went from conflict straight into contention and the conversation was over.

What happened was written all over my freckled face. The subject was changed, the air was thick, and the evening quickly turned cool. Within 15 minutes we were driving home discussing what I did wrong (because it’s usually my fault.)

I’ve had years to consider this and many other similar events in my life. It seems my questions often get things out of sorts with other folks’ perceived harmony. Why?

That’s because of the confusion associated with conflict and contention. Conflict means there is communication and progress going on. How much exchanging is being transmitted when there is a wall of silence betwixt you and the other person?

Silence isn’t golden. Silence is contention and inhibits progress. Remember the next time you lose your cookies at someone or feel offended, elongated silence damages you much more than the perceived damage of your silence does to the other.

The only exception to this rule is a parent to the child. Parental silence is more than contention, it’s abuse and childish. Grow up and learn to communicate.

There are broken hearts all over the world as a result of children making harmful decisions. Parents who blame themselves are often overwhelmed with sorrow and shame and sadly, they share their misery with others.

Since the beginning of my cognitive reasoning skills, I’ve questioned the cause of children making bad decisions. This is not a discussion that addresses why bad things happen to good people. Rather, it’s an inquisition into why a particular child, raised in an environment of love and Christian values, would venture off the strait and narrow, and into darkened pathways.

The perceived anomaly is that the hoped-for prodigal has many siblings happily following the teachings of their parents. Why then do children make poor decisions when all indicators are that the child’s environment is conducive to leading a life of proper behavior and social norms?

Some chalk it up to a DNA transfer at the time of conception and write it off as predestination. Certainly many of each child’s idiosyncrasies explain part of the problem, however writing off delinquent behavior wholly to nature leaves a vacuous feeling within my heart and a stupor of thought in my mind.

My current understanding of this paradox lies within a statement by W. Edwards Deming, the man who helped rebuild Japan after WW2. He said:

“94 percent of all failure is a systems malfunction.”

Within this powerful phrase is found hope for parents who struggle with raising children in a world that has lost her soul and moral compass. Using Deming’s statistic, there is a six percent chance that the wayward path taken by our misguided children is a direct result of mom and dad and there is a ninety-four percent chance it is the parenting system.

Be careful not to read into this statement an exoneration of parental behavior. What this means is that the systems used by mom and dad need to be addressed as both the culprit and the potential solution.

A system is like an employee. If the employee brings about good fruit, all are happy. However, if the employee produces bad fruit, the best recourse is to retrain or to eliminate the employee.

So it is with how we raise our children. Each child is individual and each child requires a unique system of rearing. Too often have I heard the explanation “I raised all of my children the same,” as a justification of why one child went astray, sidestepping the uniqueness of each child.

Each child has an innate desire to be loved and numbered with others. The single most important ingredient in your system for the future is recognizing that you are the change agent. The 2nd most important is the desire to change. It’s never too late to change your system and turn heartache into joy.

For example, in the German culture if you point to the temple on your head with your index finger, you are expressing the same sentiment in German as if you were to extend the middle finger high in the air here in the states.

In Germany, Switzerland, or Austria, if you were to ask the question: “How are you today,” be prepared to listen to an answer. Here, expect to hear one word that carries no meaning. Something like, fine.

What does fine mean? What does good mean? How about “All things considered, I’m doing well.”

Have you ever muttered under your breath while attending a rock concert how much you’d like to play the guitar or the keyboards? How truthful are those words? Do you really mean what you say?

Try an experiment today. Pay specific attention to the words your friends and co-workers use when conversing with each other. Notice how ambiguous their statements are.

We have mastered such words as: that’s interesting, we’ll see, I might, perhaps or maybe.

The ‘Good Book’ councils us to say “yea, yea” and “nay, nay.” What does that mean? Is it possible that our language aptitude has an impact upon our happiness quotient? I don’t know about you, but my purpose for existence is to be happy and have joy?

Improving our ability to effectively communicate will eliminate misunderstandings and hurt feelings. In sales, assumed closes are a tool that leverages ambiguity and puts the person being sold to in an uncomfortable situation.

Assuming there is understanding is like saying I want to play the guitar but never taking lessons or even owning a guitar.

What do your words mean?

Most people have a strong desire to communicate effectively.

Some people have the basic knowledge of communication tools that are helpful. Knowledge is obtained through study and taking courses.

Very few people possess the necessary skills. The skills are acquired through coaching and practice.

Just wanting to improve your communication is not enough.

The four problems are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Dr. Gottman explains that contempt for a partner is the most crucial indicator of divorce. He can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will divorce after watching them for only 15 minutes.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a metaphor depicting the end of the world. They are described as conquest, war, hunger, and death.

Many believe that conflict leads to divorce, but conflict itself is not the problem. It is how we handle it. Conflict is a problem, however, when accompanied by the presence of what Dr. Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:”

1. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you.

Following the Board of Director’s agenda and the Responsibility Pyramid when communicating eliminates criticism from the equation.
2. Contempt is the step that has the greatest predictability factor. It is worse than criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”

When a relationship starts with love and the proper love language is used, contempt is minimized.  Seeing the vision of intimacy as the end result can alter the level of contempt or eliminate it.

3. Defensiveness. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship.  When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.

Using a BOD meeting in an environment where it’s not who is right but what is right will remove the need to be defensive. There is no hierarchy in a BOD meeting. The Responsibility Pyramid is part of the rules of engagement and if there is no blaming or justifying, there is no need to be defensive.

4. Stonewalling. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. This is the man cave or the chick hut. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. Stonewalling is an abrupt stop to progress. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

We have been conditioned to enter our man caves or chick huts from an early age. Getting out of a man cave requires willingness, knowledge, and skill. Reading a book isn’t the same as developing the skill.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high probability of failing.

In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.

We go to college for many years so we can become wealthy. How much time and effort do we expend into becoming happy?

The most interesting were the very opinionated brides to be when asked, “Do you have a Spending Plan?” Their almost agitated responses proved insightful:

“I have my money and he has his. He’ll never know how much. As long as he buys his socks and underwear, we’re fine.”

The first time I heard the comment the shock factor caught me off guard. The scary aspect of my Bridal show experience was that I heard similar responses all day long.

Experts at the University of Washington can now predict with 98% accuracy the probability of a marriage lasting. They cite 4 criteria in determining if the couple will stay married. They are affectionately called the 4 Horseman:

1. Defensiveness
2. Stonewalling
3. Criticism
4. Contempt

Of the four, contempt is the most important indicator. They have determined that predicting divorce is a function of patterns. If one partner speaks with contempt, it is an indicator of potential problems.

“It’s my money and that’s they way it is,” is speaking with contempt.

The purpose of getting married is to become one. In over 20 years in the financial business, it’s rare for a couple with separate accounts to become one.

Two strikes before they even say, “I do!”

I’d wish you good luck, but you’re going to need a lot more than that.

The most successful couples seldom read articles with those words in the title.  Such articles are for couples who are either struggling or do not comprehend that a successful marriage cannot be obtained with a few tricks.

There are no secret tips.  There are no magic tricks.  A happy marriage starts with love and ends with intimacy. The catalyst to making it work is the ability to develop trust. It’s the accumulation of good habits overriding the bad habits you developed before marriage.

You can’t read a book and think that your frustrations with your marriage will disappear. Without skill development your willingness and knowledge will be subject to trial and error. Skill development usually comes in the form of coaching and being held accountable.

Trial and error works but are you willing to pay the price when available systems can eliminate the cost and heartache associated with the self-help approach?

Most couples, when interviewed, want wealth and happiness and they spend years of time and thousands of dollars getting an education so they can become wealthy. But, how much time, energy, and money is spent to become happy?

One out of two marriages end in divorce. That means if you and your friend are getting married this year, one of you won’t make it longer than five years. In other words, the odds are 50% that you won’t be happy and that will have a huge impact upon your wealth.

We think there is a solution.

Some men select a bride because she has pretty eyes, some because she has pretty hair. A man once married his bride because she could sing. On the morning after their marriage, when he saw her without any paint or powder on, and saw a part of her hair on the dresser, he looked at her and said,” Sing, for hell sakes, sing!”

Eric Fromm, renowned social psychologist explained that sexual desire is in the minds of most people and is associated with love. As such, they are easily mislead into confusing love with physical desire.

In a previous blog (Abigail the Monster) I explained that love is not the end goal, it is the beginning of the process. If love isn’t the starting point, your ending point will most assuredly be anything but happiness and joy.

Couples often fall in lust thinking they are falling in love. Being physically attracted to each other is very important, but sexual combustibility is a short fuse and a spark.

The 5-year itch is a direct result of falling in lust. Falling in love requires action of a different nature than sexual prowess. Lust is temporary satisfaction, love can be eternal.

Love requires effort and patience and can be the epitome of passion. Lust is passion run amok. It is the elimination of boundaries and leads to broken hearts, broken marriages and pain.

Yesterday I invited my granddaughter’s parents over to our house. Abigail, my granddaughter, is the cutest little piece of energy in existence. Just look at her!

Her dad sent me this response.

I told Heather about the discussion, and this was her reply

Let’s refer to “Abigail” as… The Monster.

The Monster only slept for an hour today.

The Monster is very grumpy.

I am making the Monster stay in her crib for at least 20 minutes in hopes that she will cry her sleepy monster self to sleep.

My guess would be, the monster won’t be up for a late night.

And neither will her innocent prey. (aka… me)

It is through our challenges that we grow. A mother’s love is strong because of what she gives up. It is given because the mother is good, not because of anything the child has done.

The mother serves and sacrifices for her offspring and brings about a level of love to be emulated.

In a marriage relationship, your starting point is love.

The story is told of a young couple that received the following advice from their minister after the marriage ceremony,

“You are at the end of your problems.”

Some months later, the husband, seeing the minister, approached him and told him about all the problems they have been having, ending his frustrated diatribe with “you said we were at the end of our problems.”

To which the sage gentleman replied: “Yes I did, but I didn’t indicate which end.”