Part 3 Never Blame

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame

Blaming can often been seen as a hierarchal struggle for survival in a family, from the oldest sibling down to the youngest child. In our family the dog is in play and some years ago, blaming escalated to such a level that Cheri and I discovered a resident ghost named Ralph causing all sorts of mischief in our home.

That was two houses ago and Ralph has been kind enough to stay a member of our family as he continues to leave doors open, lights on, water running, he never flushes the toilet, he is a bad aim when going #1, and he never replaces the toilet paper.

Do you have a Ralph in your home?

The same is true in a business environment. It’s often termed throwing someone under the bus, “The Fall Guy.’” Politicians are fond of throwing an expendable employee, staff member, or volunteer under the bus to avoid embarrassment or responsibility.

Blaming is the system of finding an excuse, (e.g. lack of funds) for a dysfunctional program. It’s using a common cause that stands for something good as a leveraging tool to gain funding for an ulterior motive. Blaming is like living in a world of symptoms as a way of avoiding the root cause.

Blaming is an art form to many who practice responsibility deflection. It is so subtle that to the person it is often not seen as blaming but as a logical explanation of events that ended with results far under expectations.

The refs lost the game for us on that final call, completely overlooking the poor play of the team in the last quarter that allowed the opposition to take the lead.

Let’s say your teenager asks and receives permission to venture to a party of school friends. She caught you in a busy moment and you consented to her attendance. Around midnight, about when you expect her to come driving in, you receive a phone call from the police that she’s been arrested for underage drinking.

Infuriated, you drive to the police station, chew out the cops and then read the riot act to your daughter on the way home. So far you’ve blamed everybody involved but yourself.

Did you ask your daughter where she was going? Who she was going with? What the party was about? Who else would be there? Would there be alcohol or drugs there? Do you have an understanding with your daughter on these topics? Do you trust your daughter? Does she trust you? Would she tell you the truth on any of these subjects?

It only takes one mistake, oversight, or lie and you forfeit the right to blame. You don’t have it to begin with. It doesn’t make the situation better and it excuses your part in the mess.

If your teenager won’t come clean with her answers, you are dealing with a symptom. The root cause is you. You are not trusted. You’ve spent too long in the blame game.

Developing trust in parenting is the solution. Join us for our Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club.  They are a free service to the community.

To sign up for the class, call us at (253) 851-0350

Yesterday I invited my granddaughter’s parents over to our house. Abigail, my granddaughter, is the cutest little piece of energy in existence. Just look at her!

Her dad sent me this response.

I told Heather about the discussion, and this was her reply

Let’s refer to “Abigail” as… The Monster.

The Monster only slept for an hour today.

The Monster is very grumpy.

I am making the Monster stay in her crib for at least 20 minutes in hopes that she will cry her sleepy monster self to sleep.

My guess would be, the monster won’t be up for a late night.

And neither will her innocent prey. (aka… me)

It is through our challenges that we grow. A mother’s love is strong because of what she gives up. It is given because the mother is good, not because of anything the child has done.

The mother serves and sacrifices for her offspring and brings about a level of love to be emulated.

In a marriage relationship, your starting point is love.

The story is told of a young couple that received the following advice from their minister after the marriage ceremony,

“You are at the end of your problems.”

Some months later, the husband, seeing the minister, approached him and told him about all the problems they have been having, ending his frustrated diatribe with “you said we were at the end of our problems.”

To which the sage gentleman replied: “Yes I did, but I didn’t indicate which end.”