Part 3 Never Blame

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame

Blaming can often been seen as a hierarchal struggle for survival in a family, from the oldest sibling down to the youngest child. In our family the dog is in play and some years ago, blaming escalated to such a level that Cheri and I discovered a resident ghost named Ralph causing all sorts of mischief in our home.

That was two houses ago and Ralph has been kind enough to stay a member of our family as he continues to leave doors open, lights on, water running, he never flushes the toilet, he is a bad aim when going #1, and he never replaces the toilet paper.

Do you have a Ralph in your home?

The same is true in a business environment. It’s often termed throwing someone under the bus, “The Fall Guy.’” Politicians are fond of throwing an expendable employee, staff member, or volunteer under the bus to avoid embarrassment or responsibility.

Blaming is the system of finding an excuse, (e.g. lack of funds) for a dysfunctional program. It’s using a common cause that stands for something good as a leveraging tool to gain funding for an ulterior motive. Blaming is like living in a world of symptoms as a way of avoiding the root cause.

Blaming is an art form to many who practice responsibility deflection. It is so subtle that to the person it is often not seen as blaming but as a logical explanation of events that ended with results far under expectations.

The refs lost the game for us on that final call, completely overlooking the poor play of the team in the last quarter that allowed the opposition to take the lead.

Let’s say your teenager asks and receives permission to venture to a party of school friends. She caught you in a busy moment and you consented to her attendance. Around midnight, about when you expect her to come driving in, you receive a phone call from the police that she’s been arrested for underage drinking.

Infuriated, you drive to the police station, chew out the cops and then read the riot act to your daughter on the way home. So far you’ve blamed everybody involved but yourself.

Did you ask your daughter where she was going? Who she was going with? What the party was about? Who else would be there? Would there be alcohol or drugs there? Do you have an understanding with your daughter on these topics? Do you trust your daughter? Does she trust you? Would she tell you the truth on any of these subjects?

It only takes one mistake, oversight, or lie and you forfeit the right to blame. You don’t have it to begin with. It doesn’t make the situation better and it excuses your part in the mess.

If your teenager won’t come clean with her answers, you are dealing with a symptom. The root cause is you. You are not trusted. You’ve spent too long in the blame game.

Developing trust in parenting is the solution. Join us for our Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club.  They are a free service to the community.

To sign up for the class, call us at (253) 851-0350

Part 2: Never Justify your Actions or Words

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. 2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

One definition for justify is to fill a space evenly or form a straight edge. To align with a true line.

Have you ever been late to a meeting? Remember the thoughts going through your mind as you exceeded the speed the limit in an attempt to make up for poor planning? Every slow vehicle is registered as a cause for tardiness.

The car pile up on the north bound side of the freeway that has traffic backed up for a mile is another causal factor as you travel southbound to your meeting. Upon arriving at your meeting, the committee is already working through the agenda. You enter the meeting and give a full report justifying your rudeness.

Slow traffic, rough night, crying children, and yes the bad accident on the freeway was cited as you attempt to align yourself with the straight edge. You are justifying your behavior in an attempt to have others perceive your actions in line.

For what’s its worth, you’re better off just walking in as unobtrusive as possible without interrupting and sit down.

How did justifying being late make things better? On those occasions I’ve been late and tried this strategy, I felt even more out of alignment. On the other hand, when others have interrupted a meeting in process with their excuses it disrupts everyone and takes a lot of effort and time to get back on track.

When a parent justifies bad behavior, the parent is attempting to place responsibility for weakness on someone or something else. The child will usually accept the feeble attempt at apologizing but a degree of trust and respect will be lost. If repeated too often, complete trust and respect will disappear.

How much success will you as a parent have if your children don’t trust and respect you? Remember, under the worst of circumstances people love their mom or dad and the same is true for parents of wayward. BUT there is no requirement for trust and respect.

As a parent or spouse, how fond are you of receiving a plate full of justification every time the garbage isn’t take out or the bed isn’t made? How will justifying help your high school student get into the university of her choice by mastering excuses for poor performance?

Just like seeking agreement, justifying is ineffective communication. It doesn’t make things better and if avoided completely it will greatly improve any relationship upon practice.

For one complete day, avoid justifying any behavior or action. Just suck it up, admit your mistake and move on, committing yourself to improvement. Developing trust in parenting is the solution.

Join us for our free Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club. To sign up for the class, call use at (253) 851-0350

Have you ever wondered why your children struggle in school? Or better yet, how is it they do well for a season and then fall apart? Studies have shown that stress is a huge factor in school grades.

Consider the three ingredients driving stress and how they are found in your home.

1. Emotional intensity
2. A strong dislike or aversion
3. Lack of control

When was the last time you and your spouse had an argument? Did the children witness your argument?

The following story is from Dr. John Medina and his new book “Brain Rules.” The teacher in this story is Dr. Medina’s mother. This is how he witnessed the tragedy of Kelly.

Kelly was an A student and her teacher’s pride and joy. She always did her homework, she was smart, socially poised, and blessed with an abundance of friends. But things changed after Christmas break.

The teacher noticed the change the moment Kelly walked into the classroom. Kelly’s eyes were downward. Within a week Kelly received her first ever C on an exam and that was her highpoint. She spiraled down from there with a litany of Ds and Fs and many visits to the Principal’s office for fights and unruly behavior.

“Exasperated, my mother decided to find out what caused this meltdown. She learned that Kelly’s parents had decided to get a divorce over Christmas and that the family conflicts, from which the parents valiantly had insulated Kelly, had begun spilling out into the open.

As things unraveled at home, things also unraveled at school. And on that snowy day, when my mother gave Kelly her third straight D in spelling, my mother also swore:

“DAMMIT!” she said, nearly under her breath. I froze as she shouted, “THE ABILITY OF KELLY TO DO WELL IN MY CLASS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CLASS!”

She was, of course, describing the relationship between home life and school life, a link that has frustrated teachers for a long time.

One of the greatest predictors of performance in school turns out to be the emotional stability of the home.”

Parents, you play the primary role in your children’s happiness and well being. Stress indicator #1 Children are not equipped to handle emotional. Stress indicator #2 Children have a strong aversion to contentious behavior? Stress indicator #3 Children that feel they have no control over the home environment?

Unstuck Parenting is for parents and couples who desire to become better communicator and parents. Most parents are stuck in old habits and traditions that don’t work.

This is a 6-week course covering practical knowledge and skills that will directly effect how you communicate as a parent and a spouse. The course is taught at The Hope Center Boys and Girls Club off of Skansie.

Have you ever been to England? It’s a pleasure listening to a British or an Aussie accent. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to spend in week in the British Isles. It was interesting to notice who spoke with an accent.

What is your accent? Is there somebody at your work or in your circle of influence that is always the center of bad news? Do you hesitate ever asking them how they’re doing for fear they will tell you. They are always suffering from some …itis and the law of attraction consolidates an aura of negativity upon their space.

They have an accent. There are a lot of people going through tough economic times right now. Sometimes our accent differs depending upon our mood or station in life.

It can be difficult to hide your true accent when rough times come knocking at your door. Let’s say you are being interviewed for a new position and you are asked to explain a little about your last job. If you are still sore about your former boss, there is a good likelihood it will come out. It’s in your accent.

Let’s take a short quiz. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of politicians? I’m sure you had an assortment of adjectives flow through your gray matter. Whatever came to your mind is their accent.

Last night I had dinner with my brother in law, who is an attorney (that’s another accent.) We were discussing a particular homicide in Vancouver BC. Not being familiar with the story, he indicated that he was reticent to offer an opinion because the only source of intel was the paper and the evening news. He explained that neither source was reliable or knowledgeable in such areas.

Today’s news media carry an accent.

What is your accent when communicating with your loved ones? Is it pleasant? Do your children look forward to hearing your accent?  Recently, I spoke with a client who is having a difficult time talking to his father because the accent is so caustic.

Your accent has the ability to leverage a great amount of good. The opposite is also true.

I’m not very good at imitating accents from various nations, although my Yogi Bear imitation has promise. May I suggest an experiment? The primary purpose for communicating is to gain an understanding. Most folks approach communication to secure agreement.

Try for one full day to communicate and never once express an opinion unless directly asked. Search to understand the other person’s point of view. Parents, this is a powerful accent with your children. They may not recognize you, but if you want a relationship with them, it’s a good starting point.

This type of accent is the door to developing trust with whomever you choose to practice. It has the power to change your life.

I’ll wager that he would shoot her inside of a week if she didn’t strangle him first.

The story is told of a husband, who after three months of marriage, sat down to dinner with his wife and said: “I think it’s time we discussed some needed areas of improvement in our marriage. I’ll like to share a list of things you can improve on and then you can share your ideas with me.”

The wife sat down and gathered her thoughts. As her husband started to read his list, she held up her hand and said:

“Before you continue, I want you to know that I don’t have a list of things you need to work on, I’m very pleased with the person I married. The next thing you should know is that the weaknesses your about to illustrate are the very things that prevented me from marrying someone better than you. Okay, now I’m ready.”