There are 550 million working days lost each year because of absenteeism. Experts claim that stress is responsible for half of those days. Stress attacks the immune system, elevates your blood pressure, and directly affects health costs.

Of all the maladies and symptoms going on in the work place, employers and managers give stress the shortest shrift. Stressed employees avoid coming to work, they avoid confrontation, they cannot resolve conflict and as a result progress is halted. They become contentious.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention asserts that a full 80 percent of our medical expenditures are now stress-related.

There are three ingredients responsible for work-related stress. 1) The type of stress. 2) A proper balance between occupational stimulation and boredom.  3) The condition of the employee’s home life.

Noticeably absent is a source for solutions that addresses the root cause and doesn’t shuffle around symptoms. We live in a society that has taught us learned helplessness coupled with a veneer of pride that prevents us from admitting we could use some help.

The first two stress inducers are better addressed by employers, however, the one thing an employer is not likely to address is the home.

Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington conducted a study that consisted of exposing expectant couples to marital interventions whether their marriages were in trouble or not.

They found that babies raised in intervention households didn’t look anything like the babies raised in a comparable control group. Their nervous systems didn’t develop the same way, they didn’t cry as much, and they were more stable to external stressors.

Dr. Gottman could predict the success or failure of a marriage within 3 minutes of interacting with the couple with 90 percent accuracy. His ability to determine the outcome of a marriage stemmed from how each spouse communicated with the other.

Our education system from K – 12, our university system, and our technical schools across the nation spend all of their effort teaching their students how to earn an income. Quietly absent from life’s lessons are effective communication especially between loved ones.

Very few of us were raised on a farm working alongside mom and dad 7 days a week. Very few people can look back to their youth and name significant mentors who shaped their character, taught them correct principals, and held them accountable for becoming a better person.

When a child is raised in an environment (intervention group) of effective communicators, the child learns at an early age to resolve conflict before a contentious spirit is introduced. Contention takes on the appearance of drugs, alcohol, tattoos, sexual promiscuity, bad grades, low self-esteem and the list goes on.

It isn’t what we know about effective parental communication that is the problem; it’s what we know that isn’t so. Sadly, most parents possess the illusion of knowledge because they can go to bed at night without a fight. This is the greatest obstacle to a child’s success.

Part 3 Never Blame

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame

Blaming can often been seen as a hierarchal struggle for survival in a family, from the oldest sibling down to the youngest child. In our family the dog is in play and some years ago, blaming escalated to such a level that Cheri and I discovered a resident ghost named Ralph causing all sorts of mischief in our home.

That was two houses ago and Ralph has been kind enough to stay a member of our family as he continues to leave doors open, lights on, water running, he never flushes the toilet, he is a bad aim when going #1, and he never replaces the toilet paper.

Do you have a Ralph in your home?

The same is true in a business environment. It’s often termed throwing someone under the bus, “The Fall Guy.’” Politicians are fond of throwing an expendable employee, staff member, or volunteer under the bus to avoid embarrassment or responsibility.

Blaming is the system of finding an excuse, (e.g. lack of funds) for a dysfunctional program. It’s using a common cause that stands for something good as a leveraging tool to gain funding for an ulterior motive. Blaming is like living in a world of symptoms as a way of avoiding the root cause.

Blaming is an art form to many who practice responsibility deflection. It is so subtle that to the person it is often not seen as blaming but as a logical explanation of events that ended with results far under expectations.

The refs lost the game for us on that final call, completely overlooking the poor play of the team in the last quarter that allowed the opposition to take the lead.

Let’s say your teenager asks and receives permission to venture to a party of school friends. She caught you in a busy moment and you consented to her attendance. Around midnight, about when you expect her to come driving in, you receive a phone call from the police that she’s been arrested for underage drinking.

Infuriated, you drive to the police station, chew out the cops and then read the riot act to your daughter on the way home. So far you’ve blamed everybody involved but yourself.

Did you ask your daughter where she was going? Who she was going with? What the party was about? Who else would be there? Would there be alcohol or drugs there? Do you have an understanding with your daughter on these topics? Do you trust your daughter? Does she trust you? Would she tell you the truth on any of these subjects?

It only takes one mistake, oversight, or lie and you forfeit the right to blame. You don’t have it to begin with. It doesn’t make the situation better and it excuses your part in the mess.

If your teenager won’t come clean with her answers, you are dealing with a symptom. The root cause is you. You are not trusted. You’ve spent too long in the blame game.

Developing trust in parenting is the solution. Join us for our Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club.  They are a free service to the community.

To sign up for the class, call us at (253) 851-0350

Part 2: Never Justify your Actions or Words

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. 2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

One definition for justify is to fill a space evenly or form a straight edge. To align with a true line.

Have you ever been late to a meeting? Remember the thoughts going through your mind as you exceeded the speed the limit in an attempt to make up for poor planning? Every slow vehicle is registered as a cause for tardiness.

The car pile up on the north bound side of the freeway that has traffic backed up for a mile is another causal factor as you travel southbound to your meeting. Upon arriving at your meeting, the committee is already working through the agenda. You enter the meeting and give a full report justifying your rudeness.

Slow traffic, rough night, crying children, and yes the bad accident on the freeway was cited as you attempt to align yourself with the straight edge. You are justifying your behavior in an attempt to have others perceive your actions in line.

For what’s its worth, you’re better off just walking in as unobtrusive as possible without interrupting and sit down.

How did justifying being late make things better? On those occasions I’ve been late and tried this strategy, I felt even more out of alignment. On the other hand, when others have interrupted a meeting in process with their excuses it disrupts everyone and takes a lot of effort and time to get back on track.

When a parent justifies bad behavior, the parent is attempting to place responsibility for weakness on someone or something else. The child will usually accept the feeble attempt at apologizing but a degree of trust and respect will be lost. If repeated too often, complete trust and respect will disappear.

How much success will you as a parent have if your children don’t trust and respect you? Remember, under the worst of circumstances people love their mom or dad and the same is true for parents of wayward. BUT there is no requirement for trust and respect.

As a parent or spouse, how fond are you of receiving a plate full of justification every time the garbage isn’t take out or the bed isn’t made? How will justifying help your high school student get into the university of her choice by mastering excuses for poor performance?

Just like seeking agreement, justifying is ineffective communication. It doesn’t make things better and if avoided completely it will greatly improve any relationship upon practice.

For one complete day, avoid justifying any behavior or action. Just suck it up, admit your mistake and move on, committing yourself to improvement. Developing trust in parenting is the solution.

Join us for our free Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club. To sign up for the class, call use at (253) 851-0350

Have you ever wondered why your children struggle in school? Or better yet, how is it they do well for a season and then fall apart? Studies have shown that stress is a huge factor in school grades.

Consider the three ingredients driving stress and how they are found in your home.

1. Emotional intensity
2. A strong dislike or aversion
3. Lack of control

When was the last time you and your spouse had an argument? Did the children witness your argument?

The following story is from Dr. John Medina and his new book “Brain Rules.” The teacher in this story is Dr. Medina’s mother. This is how he witnessed the tragedy of Kelly.

Kelly was an A student and her teacher’s pride and joy. She always did her homework, she was smart, socially poised, and blessed with an abundance of friends. But things changed after Christmas break.

The teacher noticed the change the moment Kelly walked into the classroom. Kelly’s eyes were downward. Within a week Kelly received her first ever C on an exam and that was her highpoint. She spiraled down from there with a litany of Ds and Fs and many visits to the Principal’s office for fights and unruly behavior.

“Exasperated, my mother decided to find out what caused this meltdown. She learned that Kelly’s parents had decided to get a divorce over Christmas and that the family conflicts, from which the parents valiantly had insulated Kelly, had begun spilling out into the open.

As things unraveled at home, things also unraveled at school. And on that snowy day, when my mother gave Kelly her third straight D in spelling, my mother also swore:

“DAMMIT!” she said, nearly under her breath. I froze as she shouted, “THE ABILITY OF KELLY TO DO WELL IN MY CLASS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CLASS!”

She was, of course, describing the relationship between home life and school life, a link that has frustrated teachers for a long time.

One of the greatest predictors of performance in school turns out to be the emotional stability of the home.”

Parents, you play the primary role in your children’s happiness and well being. Stress indicator #1 Children are not equipped to handle emotional. Stress indicator #2 Children have a strong aversion to contentious behavior? Stress indicator #3 Children that feel they have no control over the home environment?

Unstuck Parenting is for parents and couples who desire to become better communicator and parents. Most parents are stuck in old habits and traditions that don’t work.

This is a 6-week course covering practical knowledge and skills that will directly effect how you communicate as a parent and a spouse. The course is taught at The Hope Center Boys and Girls Club off of Skansie.

Sometimes we, as a society, use judging terms meant to offend, displace or remove responsibility. It usually occurs out of guilt or shame for doing something we know we shouldn’t.

Have you ever heard a child complain to his/her mother and by saying: “Hey mom, stop freakin’ out” when they get caught doing something outside the appropriate behavioral boundaries of the home?

Here is a suggestion on how to handle such offspring.

When children use terms that judge: “Mom stop freakin’ out!” First, have them clarify what the word freakin‘ means.

If they don’t know or can’t articulate it, clarify it for them:

Freakin’:

1)    A parental state closely associated with love,

2)    The act of holding children responsible for growing up,

3)    A parental act that forbids children from remaining a teenager after age 19.

4)    The parental antithesis of apathy

Years ago during a merit badge discussion, Scott, then 12 yrs. old, got caught with his mouth exceeding of the speed limit and his brain still waiting at the stop sign.

During the heat of battle, Scott said: “I hate you dad!” He had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. No malice was intended and no malice was received, but words have meaning so here is the discussion that followed.

D:            Scott, what does ‘I hate you’ mean?

S:            (turning a few shades of red) I don’t really hate you dad.

D:            I believe you son. How should your friends interpret the phrase?

S:            Silence….

D:            For the benefit of those in the room, here is what “I hate you” means in our home when Scott says it to his father:

Hate:

1. Thank you dad from the bottom of my heart for helping me to improve.
2. Thank you for not raising me to be a teenager but to be an adult and holding me accountable for being the best person I can be.
3. I love you for all you do and sacrifice in my behalf.
4. Please don’t change.
5. I know I have a lot to learn and I am appreciative of all that you teach me.
6. I look forward to the next opportunity for you to help me grow.

D:            How accurate was the explanation Scott?

S:            Yep, that’s what it means.

The Scouts found this very amusing. The following week I finished the merit badge class when Scott slipped again. Without looking up I asked the definition of the phrase: “I hate you dad.”

As a body, the scouts started listing off from the list and even added a few more. All of us got a good laugh and we moved on.

Who’s in control of your conversations?

Remember that the person asking the questions is always in control.

For example, in the German culture if you point to the temple on your head with your index finger, you are expressing the same sentiment in German as if you were to extend the middle finger high in the air here in the states.

In Germany, Switzerland, or Austria, if you were to ask the question: “How are you today,” be prepared to listen to an answer. Here, expect to hear one word that carries no meaning. Something like, fine.

What does fine mean? What does good mean? How about “All things considered, I’m doing well.”

Have you ever muttered under your breath while attending a rock concert how much you’d like to play the guitar or the keyboards? How truthful are those words? Do you really mean what you say?

Try an experiment today. Pay specific attention to the words your friends and co-workers use when conversing with each other. Notice how ambiguous their statements are.

We have mastered such words as: that’s interesting, we’ll see, I might, perhaps or maybe.

The ‘Good Book’ councils us to say “yea, yea” and “nay, nay.” What does that mean? Is it possible that our language aptitude has an impact upon our happiness quotient? I don’t know about you, but my purpose for existence is to be happy and have joy?

Improving our ability to effectively communicate will eliminate misunderstandings and hurt feelings. In sales, assumed closes are a tool that leverages ambiguity and puts the person being sold to in an uncomfortable situation.

Assuming there is understanding is like saying I want to play the guitar but never taking lessons or even owning a guitar.

What do your words mean?

Most people have a strong desire to communicate effectively.

Some people have the basic knowledge of communication tools that are helpful. Knowledge is obtained through study and taking courses.

Very few people possess the necessary skills. The skills are acquired through coaching and practice.

Just wanting to improve your communication is not enough.

I have some good news and some bad news.

First the good news: if approached correctly, married life will be the most glorious, blessed, and rewarding time spent with another person. Words are inept at trying to explain the love, the trust, and the respect that are developed in a successful marriage. Happy marriages deepen and get better with time.

Now the bad news: if not approached correctly, you have a 50 percent chance of getting a divorce. That doesn’t count marriages that don’t end in divorce but are not happy.

So now what? Consider this question:

What would the average person say is the number 1 cause of marital contention?

Here are the two most common answers:

· Money

· Infidelity

What would you think if you knew that neither money nor sex is the primary cause for contention within a marriage? In fact, they are only symptoms of the root cause.

The number 1 cause of marital contention is the inability to effectively communicate.

Effective communication is not taught in public or private schools and rarely discussed in our homes. In other words, the tools to a successful marriage are not taught at home or at school.

Getting married is the single greatest ‘Tipping Point’ in your life. Answer the following questions:

· How are you preparing to merge your way of thinking with your spouse’s way of thinking?

· What is your ‘Spending Plan?’

· How will you handle your first fight?

· Do you know what it’s like in a man cave?

· Have you ever seen a chick hut?

Before you spend tens of thousands of dollars on a singular event that gives you a 50% chance of success, consider investing some time, effort, and money into your future by developing communication tools that give you a very high probability of success for wealth and happiness.