Part 3 Never Blame

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame

Blaming can often been seen as a hierarchal struggle for survival in a family, from the oldest sibling down to the youngest child. In our family the dog is in play and some years ago, blaming escalated to such a level that Cheri and I discovered a resident ghost named Ralph causing all sorts of mischief in our home.

That was two houses ago and Ralph has been kind enough to stay a member of our family as he continues to leave doors open, lights on, water running, he never flushes the toilet, he is a bad aim when going #1, and he never replaces the toilet paper.

Do you have a Ralph in your home?

The same is true in a business environment. It’s often termed throwing someone under the bus, “The Fall Guy.’” Politicians are fond of throwing an expendable employee, staff member, or volunteer under the bus to avoid embarrassment or responsibility.

Blaming is the system of finding an excuse, (e.g. lack of funds) for a dysfunctional program. It’s using a common cause that stands for something good as a leveraging tool to gain funding for an ulterior motive. Blaming is like living in a world of symptoms as a way of avoiding the root cause.

Blaming is an art form to many who practice responsibility deflection. It is so subtle that to the person it is often not seen as blaming but as a logical explanation of events that ended with results far under expectations.

The refs lost the game for us on that final call, completely overlooking the poor play of the team in the last quarter that allowed the opposition to take the lead.

Let’s say your teenager asks and receives permission to venture to a party of school friends. She caught you in a busy moment and you consented to her attendance. Around midnight, about when you expect her to come driving in, you receive a phone call from the police that she’s been arrested for underage drinking.

Infuriated, you drive to the police station, chew out the cops and then read the riot act to your daughter on the way home. So far you’ve blamed everybody involved but yourself.

Did you ask your daughter where she was going? Who she was going with? What the party was about? Who else would be there? Would there be alcohol or drugs there? Do you have an understanding with your daughter on these topics? Do you trust your daughter? Does she trust you? Would she tell you the truth on any of these subjects?

It only takes one mistake, oversight, or lie and you forfeit the right to blame. You don’t have it to begin with. It doesn’t make the situation better and it excuses your part in the mess.

If your teenager won’t come clean with her answers, you are dealing with a symptom. The root cause is you. You are not trusted. You’ve spent too long in the blame game.

Developing trust in parenting is the solution. Join us for our Trust in Parenting classes taught at the Hope Center Boys & Girls Club.  They are a free service to the community.

To sign up for the class, call us at (253) 851-0350

She’s right. I am a pleaser. I don’t like it when my wife is angry with me. I want to make her happy and I don’t like the doghouse. I prefer my wife’s bed, just like my dog.

When we (husband and wife) take the time to talk about important items, we discover we both want the same things. What doesn’t make sense is how often a husband or a wife will act in such a way that elicits the exact opposite reaction needed to accomplish the goal.

This is called collusion. The art of doing the exact opposite of what I want.

We have found the best way to avoid collusion is by having a BOD meeting. The next time you find yourself in collusion with your spouse or child or anyone,

STOP, DROP, and ROLL.

Stop what you are doing. (Discontinue the fight, the discussion, the dialogue.)

Drop your argument completely. (No excuses, no explanations, no blaming.)

Roll the discussion into a BOD meeting to protect yourself from making matters worse. (Put the topic on your agenda and handle it in such a way that gives you the highest probability of working out a win/win scenario.)