Sunday afternoon while Cheri was cooking dinner, I joined her in the kitchen for a discussion. We had some difficult decisions to make and needed to work through some misunderstandings we had at the office a few days earlier.

The discussion was quite involved and both of us were searching for a solution. I was pacing back and forth setting the table, filling the glasses with water and ice, just trying to keep moving as the intensity level of our discussion steadily rose.

Many times during the discussion we reminded ourselves to address the root cause and avoid discussing the symptoms (Assembly Line A vs. Assembly Line B). During one of my turns to talk, I felt a light tap on my left elbow. I stopped talking and noticed my youngest son, Samuel, quietly standing next to me with a very somber look on his cherubic face.

He motioned with his finger for me to bend down so he could communicate with me at eye level. He took my hand, focused his soft blue eyes directly into mine and whispered: “Would you two stop arguing.” He gave me a hug and a kiss, then turned and walked away.

The wind flew right out of my sails. Whatever great point of discussion I had vanished into thin air. I apologized for raising my voice, repented of my habit again, recommitting myself to maintaining neutrality with my bride when discussing sensitive topics.

Samuel’s parents were inserting stress into his world. For most children stress is like a volume knob on an emotional radio, the louder parents yell, the more severe their perceived stress.

You can feel your body respond to stress: your pulse races, blood pressure rises and you feel a surge of energy. This is your adrenaline at work. The overall effect is a fight or flight response.

Would that we all could take a lesson from Samuel’s calm and controlled response, “Would you two stop arguing.”

On the one hand, I felt a need for improvement and greater control when discussing tough subjects with Cheri. On the other hand, I felt gratitude to a son who felt comfortable enough to request a behavioral change by his parents, and fully expecting compliance.

How often do we as parents introduce stress into the lives of our children without realizing it? Just thinking about how often I’ve raised my voice at the expense of my children fills me with remorse at not mastering my mouth and actions earlier in life.

I am a by-product of my environment and as a young boy I didn’t have verbal boundaries or a father to teach me correct principles to guide me. It’s never too late to learn the skills of effective communication. Tremendous happiness awaits you.

The greatest obstacle to growth is the illusion of knowledge and the pretense of a skill. It doesn’t have to be that way!