There are 550 million working days lost each year because of absenteeism. Experts claim that stress is responsible for half of those days. Stress attacks the immune system, elevates your blood pressure, and directly affects health costs.

Of all the maladies and symptoms going on in the work place, employers and managers give stress the shortest shrift. Stressed employees avoid coming to work, they avoid confrontation, they cannot resolve conflict and as a result progress is halted. They become contentious.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention asserts that a full 80 percent of our medical expenditures are now stress-related.

There are three ingredients responsible for work-related stress. 1) The type of stress. 2) A proper balance between occupational stimulation and boredom.  3) The condition of the employee’s home life.

Noticeably absent is a source for solutions that addresses the root cause and doesn’t shuffle around symptoms. We live in a society that has taught us learned helplessness coupled with a veneer of pride that prevents us from admitting we could use some help.

The first two stress inducers are better addressed by employers, however, the one thing an employer is not likely to address is the home.

Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington conducted a study that consisted of exposing expectant couples to marital interventions whether their marriages were in trouble or not.

They found that babies raised in intervention households didn’t look anything like the babies raised in a comparable control group. Their nervous systems didn’t develop the same way, they didn’t cry as much, and they were more stable to external stressors.

Dr. Gottman could predict the success or failure of a marriage within 3 minutes of interacting with the couple with 90 percent accuracy. His ability to determine the outcome of a marriage stemmed from how each spouse communicated with the other.

Our education system from K – 12, our university system, and our technical schools across the nation spend all of their effort teaching their students how to earn an income. Quietly absent from life’s lessons are effective communication especially between loved ones.

Very few of us were raised on a farm working alongside mom and dad 7 days a week. Very few people can look back to their youth and name significant mentors who shaped their character, taught them correct principals, and held them accountable for becoming a better person.

When a child is raised in an environment (intervention group) of effective communicators, the child learns at an early age to resolve conflict before a contentious spirit is introduced. Contention takes on the appearance of drugs, alcohol, tattoos, sexual promiscuity, bad grades, low self-esteem and the list goes on.

It isn’t what we know about effective parental communication that is the problem; it’s what we know that isn’t so. Sadly, most parents possess the illusion of knowledge because they can go to bed at night without a fight. This is the greatest obstacle to a child’s success.

Have you ever wondered why your children struggle in school? Or better yet, how is it they do well for a season and then fall apart? Studies have shown that stress is a huge factor in school grades.

Consider the three ingredients driving stress and how they are found in your home.

1. Emotional intensity
2. A strong dislike or aversion
3. Lack of control

When was the last time you and your spouse had an argument? Did the children witness your argument?

The following story is from Dr. John Medina and his new book “Brain Rules.” The teacher in this story is Dr. Medina’s mother. This is how he witnessed the tragedy of Kelly.

Kelly was an A student and her teacher’s pride and joy. She always did her homework, she was smart, socially poised, and blessed with an abundance of friends. But things changed after Christmas break.

The teacher noticed the change the moment Kelly walked into the classroom. Kelly’s eyes were downward. Within a week Kelly received her first ever C on an exam and that was her highpoint. She spiraled down from there with a litany of Ds and Fs and many visits to the Principal’s office for fights and unruly behavior.

“Exasperated, my mother decided to find out what caused this meltdown. She learned that Kelly’s parents had decided to get a divorce over Christmas and that the family conflicts, from which the parents valiantly had insulated Kelly, had begun spilling out into the open.

As things unraveled at home, things also unraveled at school. And on that snowy day, when my mother gave Kelly her third straight D in spelling, my mother also swore:

“DAMMIT!” she said, nearly under her breath. I froze as she shouted, “THE ABILITY OF KELLY TO DO WELL IN MY CLASS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CLASS!”

She was, of course, describing the relationship between home life and school life, a link that has frustrated teachers for a long time.

One of the greatest predictors of performance in school turns out to be the emotional stability of the home.”

Parents, you play the primary role in your children’s happiness and well being. Stress indicator #1 Children are not equipped to handle emotional. Stress indicator #2 Children have a strong aversion to contentious behavior? Stress indicator #3 Children that feel they have no control over the home environment?

Unstuck Parenting is for parents and couples who desire to become better communicator and parents. Most parents are stuck in old habits and traditions that don’t work.

This is a 6-week course covering practical knowledge and skills that will directly effect how you communicate as a parent and a spouse. The course is taught at The Hope Center Boys and Girls Club off of Skansie.

Sunday afternoon while Cheri was cooking dinner, I joined her in the kitchen for a discussion. We had some difficult decisions to make and needed to work through some misunderstandings we had at the office a few days earlier.

The discussion was quite involved and both of us were searching for a solution. I was pacing back and forth setting the table, filling the glasses with water and ice, just trying to keep moving as the intensity level of our discussion steadily rose.

Many times during the discussion we reminded ourselves to address the root cause and avoid discussing the symptoms (Assembly Line A vs. Assembly Line B). During one of my turns to talk, I felt a light tap on my left elbow. I stopped talking and noticed my youngest son, Samuel, quietly standing next to me with a very somber look on his cherubic face.

He motioned with his finger for me to bend down so he could communicate with me at eye level. He took my hand, focused his soft blue eyes directly into mine and whispered: “Would you two stop arguing.” He gave me a hug and a kiss, then turned and walked away.

The wind flew right out of my sails. Whatever great point of discussion I had vanished into thin air. I apologized for raising my voice, repented of my habit again, recommitting myself to maintaining neutrality with my bride when discussing sensitive topics.

Samuel’s parents were inserting stress into his world. For most children stress is like a volume knob on an emotional radio, the louder parents yell, the more severe their perceived stress.

You can feel your body respond to stress: your pulse races, blood pressure rises and you feel a surge of energy. This is your adrenaline at work. The overall effect is a fight or flight response.

Would that we all could take a lesson from Samuel’s calm and controlled response, “Would you two stop arguing.”

On the one hand, I felt a need for improvement and greater control when discussing tough subjects with Cheri. On the other hand, I felt gratitude to a son who felt comfortable enough to request a behavioral change by his parents, and fully expecting compliance.

How often do we as parents introduce stress into the lives of our children without realizing it? Just thinking about how often I’ve raised my voice at the expense of my children fills me with remorse at not mastering my mouth and actions earlier in life.

I am a by-product of my environment and as a young boy I didn’t have verbal boundaries or a father to teach me correct principles to guide me. It’s never too late to learn the skills of effective communication. Tremendous happiness awaits you.

The greatest obstacle to growth is the illusion of knowledge and the pretense of a skill. It doesn’t have to be that way!