Sometimes we, as a society, use judging terms meant to offend, displace or remove responsibility. It usually occurs out of guilt or shame for doing something we know we shouldn’t.

Have you ever heard a child complain to his/her mother and by saying: “Hey mom, stop freakin’ out” when they get caught doing something outside the appropriate behavioral boundaries of the home?

Here is a suggestion on how to handle such offspring.

When children use terms that judge: “Mom stop freakin’ out!” First, have them clarify what the word freakin‘ means.

If they don’t know or can’t articulate it, clarify it for them:

Freakin’:

1)    A parental state closely associated with love,

2)    The act of holding children responsible for growing up,

3)    A parental act that forbids children from remaining a teenager after age 19.

4)    The parental antithesis of apathy

Years ago during a merit badge discussion, Scott, then 12 yrs. old, got caught with his mouth exceeding of the speed limit and his brain still waiting at the stop sign.

During the heat of battle, Scott said: “I hate you dad!” He had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. No malice was intended and no malice was received, but words have meaning so here is the discussion that followed.

D:            Scott, what does ‘I hate you’ mean?

S:            (turning a few shades of red) I don’t really hate you dad.

D:            I believe you son. How should your friends interpret the phrase?

S:            Silence….

D:            For the benefit of those in the room, here is what “I hate you” means in our home when Scott says it to his father:

Hate:

1. Thank you dad from the bottom of my heart for helping me to improve.
2. Thank you for not raising me to be a teenager but to be an adult and holding me accountable for being the best person I can be.
3. I love you for all you do and sacrifice in my behalf.
4. Please don’t change.
5. I know I have a lot to learn and I am appreciative of all that you teach me.
6. I look forward to the next opportunity for you to help me grow.

D:            How accurate was the explanation Scott?

S:            Yep, that’s what it means.

The Scouts found this very amusing. The following week I finished the merit badge class when Scott slipped again. Without looking up I asked the definition of the phrase: “I hate you dad.”

As a body, the scouts started listing off from the list and even added a few more. All of us got a good laugh and we moved on.

Who’s in control of your conversations?

Remember that the person asking the questions is always in control.

Part 1: Never Seek Agreement

There are three things a parent should avoid when communicating with their precious minds full of mush (teenagers).

1. Never seek agreement
2. Never justify your actions or words
3. Never blame the teenager for something you don’t approve

When communicating, the #1 rule is that you are 100 percent responsible for gaining understanding, not for being understood. There is a difference. It is not incumbent upon your child to decipher your words and meaning.

This is the same reason and logic that a marriage is not a 50/50 agreement. Human nature will take over and soon each partner will expect the other to initiate the 50 percent as a condition of cooperation.

This is seeking agreement.  Agreement seekers base their frame of reference on a position of divine perfection where the divine and the perfection are embodied in their being. That may not be exactly the mindset of the parent, but it is the message being conveyed.

As a parent we often see the end before the beginning and more often than not, the vision is a rerun of our past. We don’t want our teenager to experience our past so we project our wisdom and guidance upon them.

The ability and willingness of a teenager to understand his parent’s point of view is equal to the skill level of the parent to deliver the message. Both lack the knowledge and skill necessary.

When our teenager embarks on a path of self-destruction, we, as parents, scramble all available emotions, clichés, and folklore that our own parents used on us and regurgitate it in direct contrast to self-promises made when we were teens. We hated it then, how do think our children like it now?

As a parent have you ever said or thought: “If only my kid would listen to me?” Me too! Am I seeking agreement or understanding?

Agreement seekers live in the Curse of Knowledge and use the curse as a leveraging tool and a position of superiority. They are not concerned with what is right, only who is right.

Imagine going through life with blinders on, only seeing what you want to see, sort of like a self-imposed filter, removing anything that runs contrary to your point of view so as to maintain a sense of being right.

Agreement seekers come in all shapes and sizes. Bosses, managers, fathers, mothers, big brother, big sister, teachers, administrators, and playground bullies. Each in her unique way suffers from a lack of confidence and needs others to agree with her to support a crumbling foundation.

In my day it was called the ‘Generation Gap.’ The only difference between the gap yesterday and the gap today is clothing styles and cell phones. Given enough time bell-bottoms will be in style again. Bad communication skills never go out of style. It’s sad that we as parents choose the path of least resistance rather than least traveled.

Learning to effectively communicate with your teenage will change your life, your marriage, and your grandchildren. Just ask yourself what it’s going to be like having grandchildren who practice your communication skills and habits?